This past week I had to do just that.  I didn’t have any other option.  My husband returned to work a normal schedule, my daughter had to return to school, my other daughter needed her mommy, my house needed cleaning, meals had to be fixed, laundry had to be done, etc.  In other words, life had to go on.

I also went back to work.  Actually, I had my first meeting on Jan. 2.  I was given a huge amount of work to do.  I confess that at first I felt overwhelmed, but when I started working, I realized that it would be really good for me.  I had something to occupy my mind, things to plan, deadlines to meet.   As most of you know, I function best when I am busy.

And so enters the manic period of my grief.  I spent the week, writing newsletters, press releases, planning for registration, reorganizing the girls’ room, emptying cupboards, even ripping down the Winnie the Pooh border in the girls’ room so we can start to re-decorate their room in a more girlie fashion…. and there was more, but I won’t bore you.  (For those of you who personally know me, remember “A Christmas Carol?”  Yeah, that happened just six weeks after my first loss… you can imagine my manic period for that.)

I went back to church today, both services, but not Sunday School.  I feel too exposed to be placed in a small group setting.  Last week I went to one service, and avoided talking to people as much as possible.  This time I spoke to a few people, and while most just gave me a hug and said I’m sorry, I still got the dreaded comments, too.  “But you feel fine physically, right?”  Said with the intonation of “so what’s your problem, then?”  “Are you on any medication?”  Huh?  And my personal favorite…. “So do they know what’s wrong with you, why it happened twice?”  Yup.  That’s why I waited a whole month to go back.  I would have been too emotionally raw to handle that any earlier.  Don’t get me wrong, I know people are not trying to hurt my feelings, but this is one of those times when you REALLY need to think before you speak. 

My friend Amanda volunteered to take my girls all day on Monday.  That was the day I had my doctor’s appointment.  Amanda has been the one person I could completely spill my guts to through all of this.  She has also lost two babies, and is the only person I feel truly understands the craziness that’s been my brain over the past month.  I was thankful to have that day to myself.  I needed to sort through some stuff, pray, and be by myself for a few hours. 

I think between that time alone, and my doctor’s appointment, God granted me a little peace.  I finally felt like I could move on.  Don’t get me wrong, I still have a lot to deal with.  I still cry when I merely walk by the maternity section at the store, I still can’t even set my eyes on the pregnant women in my church, I still avoid like the plague any blogs mentioning baby preparation or belly pics, I still stare at little bitty babies I pass by, I still see families of five and wonder…  But I do feel like I can finally sit down and try to see what God has for me through this.  In fact I am looking forward to it.   God’s fire is always refining.  And I could certainly use some of that.

At least part of the question of “why?” was answered today.

And it came in the form of an ugly word: Aneuploidy.  It’s not even pleasant to spell.

Here’s the definition:

“Aneuploidy is a condition in which a cell has an incorrect number of chromosomes. Human cells are supposed to have 46 chromosomes. Females have 23 pairs of chromosomes, whereas males have 22 pairs but then a final pair containing an X and a Y (females have two X chromosomes).

In aneuploidy, a cell might have three copies of a particular chromosome — making 47 chromosomes — or only one copy of a particular chromosome, making 45 chromosomes in the cell. Any change in the number of chromosomes can affect health. Some aneuploidies can result in a live birth, such as Down syndrome (Trisomy 21), but others are lethal in the first trimester and can never lead to a viable baby.

Environmental influences may be able to cause aneuploidy, but scientists believe that most cases of aneuploidy result from random errors in cell division. Most of the time, even when chromosomal testing after a miscarriage shows that the baby was affected by aneuploidy, the aneuploidy does not recur in future pregnancies.”

That last sentence is the hardest to read, for me.  It did happen again.  A chromosomal problem was the cause of the first miscarriage, too.  I just wasn’t given a word for it last time.

Finding out that it was a chromosomal problem is good and bad all at the same time.  I can finally let myself believe that there wasn’t anything I could have done to change it.  My baby was perfectly and wonderfully made only long enough to survive a few weeks in my womb. 

But it is also so hard to accept that there was NOTHING I could do to prevent it or to prevent it from happening again.  I was really hoping there was something wrong with me, some pill I could take, some hormone I could take to make sure it would never happen again. 

I went to a different doctor’s office than usual today so they didn’t have my whole chart.  He didn’t even have the complete pathology report, just the first page that said that awful word on it.  I wanted to compare the reports, find out if it was the same chromosome, etc.  But I guess it wouldn’t do any good… there still isn’t anything I could do.

I am now in the stage of miscarriage grieving where in one second want to sell all my baby stuff on ebay, have my tubes tied and never even think about having another baby, and then one second later I want to be pregnant again, NOW. 

Although this baby was a surprise, we were happy, we were excited, we felt so blessed to be having another child.  I was pregnant for 13 weeks, 13 WEEKS.  That’s a long time.  We talked about what it was going to be like to have three children, we thought about next summer complete with the thoughts of a newborn.  We were ready to add another little one to our family.  It’s hard to turn those thoughts off now.  In my mind, we were to be a family of five.

My mother in law wanted to know how the appointment went.  When I explained to her the cause of the miscarriage she said, “Well, now you should just be happy with the two you have and not try again.”  She might as well have ripped out my heart and stomped on it.  It’s not that easy to turn off the want for another child after you’ve lost one.  The thought of being pregnant again is terrifying.  The thought of NEVER being pregnant again and this is my last memory of being pregnant is absolutely horrifying.

The doctor ordered extra blood work to check hormone levels, iron levels, thyroid levels to find out if there are other problems going on or just hormone fluctuations causing my other physical problems right now.

I am trying to stop throwing myself a pity party.  I AM thankful for the girls God has allowed me to raise.  I am thankful they are perfect and healthy.  There’s nothing like two miscarriages to make you understand just how much of a miracle that is.  God has given us two gifts in those two girls.  And, of course, I know that if I hadn’t had the first miscarriage I wouldn’t have Lorelei.  I wouldn’t trade my joy baby for anything.  I need to stop focusing on what I don’t have anymore and focus on what God has given me.  I have to get out of the pit of despair I am in right now.  I am hoping just having some finality today will help with that.  I am going to try to see if I’m ready to crack open those books I ordered.  I need to start moving toward healing in my heart and in my head.  I know that God is ready and waiting to listen to me. 

Please keep praying for me and thanks for letting me talk through this journey.

We have so many pictures from our Christmas trip to Chicago.  I’ll try not to bore you with too many.  It was a good time for us to be with family.  It was hard for me especially to have to come home.  It was also a difficult Christmas, as you can imagine.  I still feel a bit stuck, like life is going on around me and I’m not quite part of it.  It was very difficult to see everyone all happy and joyful when I felt so sad inside.  Barely anyone spoke of the “big elephant in the room” which was partially by my request, but even that was difficult.  It is hard because I want people to acknowledge our loss, it hurts so bad when people act like this is no big deal, but it’s also hard to hear some comments people make.  Alright, so I’m already boring you… here are the pictures.

We spent one of our days at a place called JumpZone which had a giant room filed with those giant air-filled bounce houses and slides. 

My crazy kid.                                                            My once timid baby is becoming so brave.

Two days before Christmas we met my mom’s whole family and had a huge family picture taken for my grandma.  We then had present time at grandma’s house.


 I am including this one because this kid has the best facial expressions.  She makes me laugh…

Ben and Lorelei with Grandpa.  Those two have so much fun together.

We also went to the Museum of Science and Industry in Chicago. 

This was the giant tree in the main rotunda.  All around were many smaller trees decorated as they are in countries all over the world.  When we were kids, my parents took us to this museum every year to see those trees.  It was fun to take my kids, too.

My parents bought a Wii.  (Yes, you read that right, my parents did.  Don’t laugh my grandparents in South Carolina have one, too.)  Anyway, we had fun playing it a lot.  Josh and I want one now, but we’re waiting until we know his job is a bit more secure.  There’s already been one layoff at his plant, and more are supposed to come.  Start flying again, people…
 
Josh took this lovely picture of me plaing Wii bowling (at my brother’s house).  See that 212 score, that was me. I’m never going real bowling again.

On Christmas Day we spent with my parents and Jim, Hannah and the boys. The girls got capes with their initials on it from Uncle Jim and Aunt Hannah.  The boys each have one, too, but we never got a group cape picture.
Ainsley was excited to get her much-wanted princesses.

An attempt to get a picture of all four kids together…

And this is where the gender difference is realized…
 
The boys playing with their new “workbench.”

And the girls playing with the princesses.

Also on our Chicago agenda:   A trip to the Brookfield Zoo.   Yes, in December, in Chicago.  The zoo is open at night during the holidays and all lit up for the occasion, too. 

Jim and Hannah have passes so we were able to go for free so it was worth it to just for a little while, or until we got too cold.

Lorelei, Ben and Luke all in the same stroller…

And our friend the rhinoceros.

Once we finally made it home, we had Christmas with Josh’s parents and another set of nephews.  But I was so tired by that point, the camera never even made it out of the bag.

This past Monday we finally had Christmas with just us four. 
Ainsley was very excited about all these ponies.

And more pony stuff… of course.

And the big gift…
                           I was able to get the Rose Petal Cottage for a GREAT deal on Amazon. 
Saying hello…

The inside…

They have been playing in it constantly since they opened it. 

Keep me in your prayers tomorrow.  I have another doctor’s appointment.  I never saw the doctor last week when I went.  I only saw the ultrasound tech.  As for that appointment, it was awful and good all at the same time.  I had to see my empty uterus, but I had to see my empty uterus.  There was some concern that I would have to have ANOTHER d&c.  Thankfully, I do not.  Tomorrow will be my official post-surgery check up.  I am looking forward to it and dreading it both.  It will be good to find out it if everything is as it should be and my body is healing as it should.  But it is still hard to keep going back to the doctor knowing it is not for a pre-natal check.  It’s hard to see all those pregnant ladies in the waiting room… you get the idea.  I also have so many questions for the doctor… about some issues I’ve been having health-wise (headaches, extreme tiredness, etc.) and also about the baby.   I am desperate for as many answers as he can possibly give me.  The fluke of nature answer just won’t suffice again.  There are too many things that happened exactly the same way with both of the babies I lost that I HAVE to explore them.  The pathology results are not back yet.  They warned me that it may take awhile with the holidays. 

Alright, this is way too long.  But I wanted to get all the pictures in one post.  You really are a great bloggy friend if you made it through all of that.

We are back home now after our very long road trip to Chicago and back.  We are thankful for the safe travels.  I think we went and came back on the only days we could have without hitting any significant weather along the way.

I have hundreds of pictures to upload, and I’m just not up to that yet, so that will have to wait.  Suffice it to say my children were very blessed this Christmas.  Many a toy or game is still in its box because they have been so busy playing with their other blessings.  Josh worked for a bit this morning and then we had our own little Christmas dinner and the kids finally got to open their presents from us.  And so ends the last of our four Christmases.  Right now everyone is napping (actually someone is walking down the stairs…).  It will take me awhile to get the girls back on schedule.  They were up late and had very few naps while we were gone.  Lorelei was so tired she slept from 6:00 p.m. last night to 10:00 a.m. this morning.  And yes, she’s still napping right now.

As for me, I’m still dealing with a lot of things.  I had some complications from the surgery while we were away.  I have to go back to the doctor tomorrow for another ultrasound.  Obviously, this is not something I’m looking forward to.  I’m also have some other physical problems that I would like to ask some questions about.  I just have a lot going through my mind right now.  Emotionally, well, let’s just say I’m having a little mini-breakdown about once a day.  Please keep me in your prayers.

I hope all of you had a very Merry Christmas.  I have been trying to catch up with everyone, but it may take me awhile.

We’re getting our first big snowstorm of the year right now.  It’s been snowing hard since about 1:00 this afternoon. It didn’t take long for our yard to become a winter wonderland.  We likely have 10 inches already.   Hopefully by the time I’m finished typing this I’ll be able to post it since we’ve been in and out of internet access since then.

We were planning to leave this afternoon for Chicago.  The whole trip was up in the air with everything that has happened.  I told Josh he had to make the decision about whether we would go.  I can’t make any decisions of any consequence right now.  My brain is in this very heavy fog.  My mom promised that she would give the family members a stern talking-to.  There are to be no questions or comments… no asking me if I know how or why, no asking me if we plan to try again, etc.  I simply can not deal with that.  With that handled, hopefully this trip will be good for us, for me.  It helped today to be very busy packing and planning.  It was the best day I’ve had by far.

God has been giving me some great joy through my “joy baby.”  Lorelei is nowhere near a baby anymore.  She, at 2, is much more like a little girl now than a baby, but she’s still my baby.  She’s full of words and very intuitive.  She keeps asking me if I’m still sad or if I feel better yet.  She doesn’t know what’s wrong, but she knows mommy is not quite right.  She has been perfectly happy and content to sit and cuddle with me for long periods of time.  Oh how thankful I am for those moments.  When I was pregnant with her, still dealing with our first loss, I prayed hard that she would, of course be perfect and healthy, but I also prayed that she would be a cuddler since Ainsley certainly is not.  God certainly answered that prayer of this mommy’s heart.

I have not mentioned my husband much in my writing since our loss, but I wanted to say that he has been wonderful.  This was as much his baby as it was mine, but of course, he has put his grief aside to try to help me.  He has taken care of the kids, cleaned the house, made meals, done laundry, made decisions, handled all my phone calls, canceled appointments or stories I couldn’t do, even arranged to have the church bulletin taken care of for the rest of the year.  He has given me space when I needed it, and held me when I needed to just cry it out.  There haven’t been a lot of words shared between us about it other than our prayers, there just aren’t enough words to express our grief, but we do grieve together, in our own ways. 

This may be the last time I post for awhile as we head out to spend time with family, and hopefully heal a little more.  Please pray for our safety as we make the long journey.

May all of you have a wonderful Christmas celebrating Christ’s birth.

The surgery on Monday went as well as it could.  Physically, I am fine.  I am in no pain at all.  Emotionally, I am still struggling.  It was the second d&c I’ve had to have.  The first time I was at a large hospital, the same hospital where I gave birth two times.  This time was at a smaller out-patient surgery center.  The people were so much nicer there.  They were compassionate and understanding of my grief.  For that I was thankful.

I am having some very, very bad days, and some ok days.  Today was an ok day.  Yesterday was not.  I had to be reminded that it was my first day really being alone, and it was only one day after the d&c, but it was still hard.  Today I kept myself very busy, but I’m not sure if that is good or not.  Avoiding my grief isn’t going to make it any better.  I also have to remember that my body is in literal turmoil right now.  My hormones are out of control crazy, on top of being stressed out… and well… sad.

I still need a lot of prayer.  Spiritually and in every other way, this is the lowest I have ever been.  I know some people are worried about my spiritual well-being.  This is what I find to be the hardest part in some respects.  I think Christians are the worst offenders when someone is dealing with a loss like this.  We know that God makes no mistakes and that His ways are perfect, and we know that God’s Will is always best.  And for some reason some think that when you are unhappy with a situation God has you in that you are angry with God or not finding joy in your trials.   I have been told previously to basically just accept it and get over it.  It’s God will and you should happy with it.    I am not angry with God.  Am I happy with it?  Of course not.  Who would be?  I don’t think God expects me to be happy with it.  Am I joyful?  I have joy in Christ.  Joy is not happiness.  True Christian joy is something found in Christ, despite one’s circumstances.  I have joy in knowing that my baby is in heaven.  Am I happy he is there?  No.  I have joy in knowing he will never experience the pains of this earth; that he got a “get out of earth free card.”  Am I happy I never got to meet him, hold him, nurse him, see him grow up?  Absolutely not. 

I realize that there are many others who have experienced much more sadness or grief than I.  I realize that I am not alone in this.  I’m trying not to have a pity party.  I’m trying to thank God for the two beautiful children he did give me.  I know God’s ways are higher than my ways, I know His thoughts are not ours, I know His way is perfect.  I KNOW all those things.  Is it possible I don’t actually BELIEVE them????  I just don’t know right now.

I keep going back to some of the things I studied after we lost the first baby and am wondering why I find little comfort there.  I keep wondering what is wrong with me that I feel so low and in a spiritual desert.  I try to remind myself that it has been just over one week since we found out, but it feels so much longer.  I’m struggling with all the questions in my mind, why this happened, why this way, why me again, and I’m struggling with guilt.  This is the second time, what am I doing wrong?  I know that I will never know the answers to most of those questions, and I know I shouldn’t blame myself, but I feel that way anyway.  I am fighting bitterness in a really big way.  Why am I being asked to go through this two times out of just my four pregnancies, while others can be pregnant six times and not experience even one loss?

I realize that my blog has become a bit depressing, but I have decided and have been encouraged by a friend to continue writing what I am feeling.  It is helping me sort through my feelings, and I am hoping that maybe even as I struggle, I could be helping someone else.  Even if it’s just as simple as helping others understand this very lonely grief.  Maybe once this is all over, I can use what I’ve learned to help someone else.  I want this record when I get there.

  Please keep praying for me.  I know that I will eventually be ok, but it may take me awhile.  I know God is good… all the time… even in the bad times.  I know that He has something wonderful planned for me to learn and glean through this.  It may just take me a long time to get there.

Things are still rough for me.  I just can’t seem to even do the simplest things right now.  My brain is in a fog.  My body is exhausted.  I am sleeping, thankfully, but when I wake I feel as if I haven’t slept at all.  I want to wrap presents and bake cookies with my kids, but I just can’t seem to find the energy to do it.

I am staying home from church, and probably will for quite awhile.  I just can’t be around people right now.  I can hardly hold a conversation with the people who live with me, I can’t possibly deal with people who will want to hug me and tell me how sorry they are.  I will lose it.  I really, really will.  Also, there are quite a few ladies in our church who are pregnant, and the thought of even looking at them right now is more than I can handle.

I am way too sensitive and vulnerable to speak to anyone who MIGHT say something they shouldn’t.  I took a few phone calls a few days ago and they only made me more upset.  One person (who should have known better) even asked me why I was putting myself through a D&C.  I am not “putting myself through a D&C.”  My body literally thinks it is still pregnant because the baby is still there.  (I even had to endure another ultrasound on Friday to confirm this.)  I still have quite a few of those early pregnancy symptoms.  If my body is to heal, I must do this.  Otherwise, it could take as long as MONTHS for my body to recover.  Plus, this is the only way for me to even attempt to get some answers as to why.  I am having the baby tested for any and all genetic abnormalities.

I am having a much harder time with this loss than the first one.  I ordered a few books online the other night to try to help me deal with everything I’m thinking and feeling.  I ordered a devotional book for mothers coping with miscarriage and infant loss (I can’t remember the name right now.)  I also ordered the book “Safe in the Arms of God” by John MacArthur.  I don’t know if I’ll be able to read them just yet, but something has to help.  Right now, the Bible seems to be written in some foreign language and prayers seem to get stuck at the ceiling.  God feels very far away…

I know His grace is sufficient for me, I know I am to count it joy to be in this trial, I know my God loves me more than I can even understand, I know my baby was made in the image of God, was fearfully and wonderfully made, etc.  I know all those things – in my head – but my heart, it’s too broken to make sense of much right now.

That’s what I’m trying to do right now.

I’m still in a state of shock, I think.  I don’t believe I’ve really internalized it all just yet.  I don’t know what will happen when I do.

My mom came to be with me – us.  At first, I didn’t really want her to come.  Honestly, I didn’t want to see or talk to anyone.  She’ll be leaving tonight, so we’ll see how I handle life once it returns to whatever “normal” is right now.  It’s been nice to have her here to take care of the girls, bring Ainsley back and forth to school, to be my call screener.  I appreciate all of my friends who have called and I did get all of your messages, but I’m just not up to talking to anyone right now.

I just don’t understand.  I know from experience that I never will, this side of heaven.  But that realization doesn’t make the hurt any less. 

It isn’t fair.  I’m 30 years old; I’m old enough to know that life isn’t fair, but that doesn’t make it any easier either.  I can almost understand losing one baby out of three, that’s within the realm of possibility, that’s within the percentages the doctors say.  But two out of four?  I’m shooting 50-50 here and that doesn’t seem right. 

I want to know why, and again I know from experience that I likely never will know the answer.  I want to know why God gave us this surprise baby and then took it away.  I want to know why I was allowed to see a perfectly fine baby at 9 weeks and then just days later that baby died.  I want to know why it took my body four more weeks to realize something was wrong.  I want to know why I was allowed to go 13 weeks thinking I was carrying perfectly healthy baby.  I just want to know why I’m being asked to go through this again.  My mom said God must think I am strong enough to handle two losses.  I sure don’t feel that way right now.

Honestly I feel like a failure as a mother.  I want to know what’s wrong with me that I couldn’t carry two baby to term.  I want to know if I did something wrong.  There just aren’t enough answers to all the questions swirling in my mind and heart right now.

The hardest thing I’ve ever had to do is tell Ainsley that the baby in mommy’s belly died.  She was much too young when we lost the baby between her and her sister.  She doesn’t even know about it.  But this time she knew mommy was pregnant and she was excited.  Oh how she sobbed and sobbed.  I will never forget that sound.  She was so excited about that baby.  Remember, she had named it?  She talked about that baby at least once a day.  She kept asking when my belly would get bigger and if she could help feed or change the baby.  She was so excited to be a big sister again.

She kept saying she didn’t want the baby to die.  She wanted to know why God let the baby die. She wanted to know if God would put a new baby in my belly. She wanted to know if God would give the baby a new body and then send it back to earth.  Oh, I wish, Ainsley, I really do…

I feel empty.  I ache for another baby I will never get to hold.  I’ve been through this before.  I know it will get worse before it gets better.  I know that eventually I will find a new normal.  I will never be the same, a piece of me is gone forever, but I will be ok… someday.

I’m trying to cling to the things that got me through the last loss, but I’m finding that difficult.  I am thankful that I know my baby went to heaven.  I know I will see him or her again someday.  I am thankful he or she never got to feel the pains of earth, but that doesn’t make my hurt any less.

I am scheduled for a D&C on Monday.  Please continue to pray for me.  My body is going through a lot right now.  If you made it all the way through this, you get a prize.  I’m sure it was difficult to read, but I needed to get all my feelings out.

Thank you for all your prayers and your expressions of sympathy over our loss.

Some you know that I began spotting last night.  I went in for an ultrasound this morning and it confirmed my worst fear.  The baby is dead.  Apparently, the baby died just shortly after that first ultrasound a month ago.  I am absolutely devastated.  I am having a really hard time believing that this has happened again, and at the end of my first trimester.  I must make some very painful decisions now about how to proceed.  My body is not handling the end of the pregnancy well.  Please pray for me.  I desperately need it.

I’m going to skip the craziness of last week, the meetings, the cantata practice, grocery shopping, the Christmas tree debacle… I’m just going to show the pictures of family fun.  Because hopefully, that’s all I’ll remember, too.
Decorating the tree…

Doesn’t she look like she’s working very hard?
 
The girls helped put the star on the top.

Ainsley had been begging all week to make some Christmas cookies.  I just hadn’t had the time.  By Friday, I just couldn’t tell her no again, so I just bought some store-bought dough sheets and let them cut out cookies in between my three meetings.  It made all three of us so happy, in the midst of the busy-ness.

That night I was supposed to go to church and help decorate it for Christmas, but I was exhausted.  And I really needed a little family and relaxation time.

I stayed home and we all decorated cookies.
 
 
These are girls’ cookies.  Don’t worry those of you who might be getting some cookies from me.  You won’t get any the girls touched.  Promise.

She just pretty much licked icing the whole time.  I think she liked it.
After the cookie decorating, we snuggled in and watched the new “Tinkerbell” movie, complete with popcorn and us all piled together on one couch, cuddling.
 
Me, the girls, and Fenway (who loves to get in any pictures) in our decorated living room.

My family.  I am so thankful for each one of them.