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Wednesday, 20 May 2009
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Life, As We Know It
Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.
James 1:2-4
The last several months have probably been the most difficult of my whole life. My relationship with God has been tested, as well as my relationship with others. We lost our second baby, the loss prompted testing and some medical issues to come up with me, then my husband lost his job - our only real source of income and the source of our health insurance. It was obvious God was stripping us down to our bare bones, making us trust Him and only Him, but would we, in the midst of these and other trials that I won't even mention, seek to become perfect and complete or angry and bitter?
I'll be the first to admit that anger and bitterness were there, especially on my part. But God has been working on my heart. Now, five months since the miscarriage and four months since my husband's lay off I am beginning to feel more like myself again. I can look back and see God's hand in all of it. I don't have to understand or even like what God has done, but I can see that God is in control and that NONE of this was or has been a surprise to Him.
I see how God gave me a job in November of last year, a job working PR at my daughter's Christian School. The job was supposed to be strictly PR and only about 8 hours a week, but it has expanded to so much more and to many more hours, hours I am more than happy to work right now. And I am enjoying it... a lot. God has also allowed me to substitute teach at both the Christian School and at the public schools in town, adding even more money to our coffers. I am also still writing news articles. So, to say my plate is full is an understatement. It has been a relief to be extra busy. It has helped me keep my mind focused on what is... and not what could have been.
My husband has been working hard to find a job, but nothing has been happening on that front. There are just so many people out there in the same position... there's a lot of competition for every job. I know he has been frustrated and discouraged as our e-mail account just gets flooded with "thanks, but no thanks" e-mail responses from would-be employers. Thankfully, Josh's dad, who owns a construction company, has had some work for Josh to do. His dad laid off all of his full-time employees a few months ago, so now he just has Josh doing some odd jobs for him. It's not a full-time job, but it's something. And we are thankful for what God has been providing.Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial; for once he has been approved, he will receive the crown of life which the Lord has promised to them that love Him.
James 1:12Some days are still difficult. Some days are definitely harder than others. I am under a month away from what would have been my due date, and as it approaches I know things will be even more difficult. After our first lost, I was already pregnant again and even knew that Lorelei was fine and was a girl by the time the due date came along. This time that certainly isn't the case. Please pray for me in the next few weeks. And then there are other days when I feel completely at peace - knowing that God is sovereign in all. I pray that I will have more and more of those days in the weeks and months ahead.
Pray that Josh and I will persevere in this trial. Pray that God will supply Josh with the perfect job and that we will be patient in our waiting. Pray that we will be a good testimony even during this extremely difficult time for us. Pray that God will continue to teach us and mold us and that we will be open to learning whatever He has for us.
Wednesday, 18 March 2009
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Dear Ainsley, as you turn 5
Dear Ainsley on the occasion of your 5th birthday,
My dear firstborn I can not believe you are now 5 years old. Everyone told me it would fly by, but I had no idea just how fast it would go. You are everything and nothing I thought you would be when I first looked into your eyes five years ago.
I am beyond thankful that God gave you to me. I couldn't imagine having any other little girl as my firstborn child. There have been times when I wondered if God knew what He was doing by giving you to me, but I know God makes no mistakes and you are the perfect complement to our family.
I love your love of life. You find joy in everything from the mundane every day stuff of life to the things you find most enjoyable. You teach me much every day. You teach me how to still have fun, you teach me how to relax and let go of the little things, you teach me how to love others with complete abandon.
This year you have started school for the first time. Even though you are only gone three half-days a week, I still miss you. I can not believe you are old enough to go to school and have part of your life be something I am not a part of. I have been so proud of you and all you have learned this year. I know you are looking forward to going to kindergarten next year. You have become an excellent helper and I love seeing you play with your sister. This year you also played soccer for the first time and went to your first day camp this summer. You taught yourself how to "pump your legs" on the swing and you could spend hours in the backyard playing and exploring. You continue to swim well and loved riding any ride you were tall enough for at Six Flags. You have no fear and love to try new things.
This year was also the first time you really experience true heartbreak. The first time was when you had to say goodbye to your very first friend. Your friend Abigail, with whom you had been friends since birth, moved away and you had to deal with that sadness and loneliness. You were also truly heartbroken to learn you were not going to be a big sister again. As your mom I wanted so badly to take away your pain in both situations, but I know that it is just the beginning of you learning how to deal with sadness and heartbreak and I am so proud of how well you handled them.
Your heart has been pricked this year by the Word of God and you have had many questions about salvation and other spiritual matters. I have loved answering them and hearing how God is working on your heart. I pray every day that you will accept God's gift of salvation, that you will learn to love the Lord with all your heart and that you will desire to serve Him.
I love you, my Ainsley, and I can't wait to see what you're going accomplish this year.
Love,
Your Mommy
Wednesday, 11 February 2009
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Have Fun Storming the Castle!
If you've ever seen The Princess Bride you'll get that reference. It's actually a silly family joke in my husband's family to stand in the driveway and wave to departing family members while saying that line.
While I originally thought I would just shut down my blog, after thinking some more, praying and talking to a few friends, I decided to not shut it down, but just take a break for awhile. It may be a few months, it may be a few weeks, but I'll be back.
I thank you all so much for going on this journey with me over the past two months. I have received so many notes of encouragement and thanks for all that I've shared. Many of you have left comments or private messages thanking me talking for about my grief. Many said they understood better what others have gone or are going through, others thanked me for putting into words the pain they at one time had felt or are feeling now. I've even had several complete strangers find my blog and thank me for sharing so honestly about my feelings and how God is bringing us through our trials. So, for that I am deeply grateful. I am thankful I was led to share and I am thankful God allowed it to be used in the lives of others. Your encouragement of me has meant so much on those very difficult days.
But for now, I feel it is best to take a break. I am going to enjoy all this time I have with my husband home. That is one huge benefit of a layoff. We are enjoying all the family time. The girls love having their daddy home all the time. And I love watching them play... their favorite game right now is any variation of "daddy chase the kids around the house." I am also going to take this time to grow and change and see what God has for me during these trials.
If you think of me during my time away, please bring our family before the Lord in prayer. Of course, my husband does need employment, and we need to find suitable and affordable health insurance until he does. We are trying to get on the state insurance and hoping it goes into effect very quickly. Here's why and another prayer request: One of my tests came back positive. It was the first round of blood tests I had to discover what had caused me to miscarry twice for no known cause. The test showed a high amount of antinuclear antibody in my blood. The best way to describe it is that my cells are attacking one another. It causes all kinds of possible health issues... regardless of whether I can possibly get pregnant and carry a child to term again. I will have an appointment with a specialist on Monday. So, obviously, health insurance is a major concern for us.
But as I share these burdens, I do want to share some praises...- My husband's car which broke down the day he got laid off was able to repaired. Josh was able to repair it himself for under $100. We originally thought it was going to be in the thousands. So far, it is holding up. Also, we have no great need for a second car right now anyway, but it is good to have when we need it.
- We made a few calls and were able to lower our homeowners and car insurance by $800 a year! We are very grateful that.
- God is giving us a very nice tax rebate check to help us through the unemployment time.
Saturday, 07 February 2009
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Goodbye
I will be shutting down my blog as of Saturday, February 14.
For many reasons I believe this is the right thing for me to do at this time.
I will leave it up for a week so anyone interested can message me their e-mail information. If you are on facebook, you can also message me your "real name" so we can be friends on there as well.
Thank you for your friendships. I have met some wonderful Christian ladies through this. Maybe in the future I will return. I especially appreciate all of you who have been so kind and understanding through my grief. I hope I can still keep in touch with many of you.
Cathi
Friday, 06 February 2009
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Facing the Truth
It has been a rough week for me. I think the reality of everything that has happened in the last nearly two months finally really hit me. The miscarriage, the physical issues that have gone along with that, Josh losing his job, his car breaking down, etc... It just feels like we keep getting kicked while we are down.
It seems everywhere I turn there's a pregnant woman, a newborn, something to stab that pain of loss in my heart again. A friend had her baby boy this week. So many of my friends both here and all over are pregnant. Status lines on Facebook read "six more weeks 'til baby comes" or "we're having a girl!" It all makes me just want to crawl in a hole and not come out. Tonight there will be a ladies game night for ladies of our church at the home of a pregnant woman. There will be at least one other pregnant woman there and you know what happens when you get a few pregnant women together, all the talk will be of pregnancy and babies. I can't do that right now... not this week...
My husband saw that I was having a tough time and decided to give me some peace and quiet this morning. He took the girls out. I needed a friend, but no one was home when I called. Then I thought, why aren't I talking to God???
I picked up my devotional book about grieving the loss of a child and opened to the next chapter, this is what I found in the first paragraph:
"Have you ever ignored the truth about your loss because reality was too painful to face? I have. For a season after my baby's death, coping with people and situtations involving babies was challenging for me. I avoided certain activities, friends, restaurants, family and even church becauase I was afraid of how I would react. Making excuses worked for awhile, but I realized I couldn't run from every situation and would have to find a way to survive."
Right after I read that I knew that God wanted me to read this on this day of all days. The devotional continued and went on to say that those feelings were normal and gave scripture verses and helps to cope in certain situations. I am thankful that God knows just what we need when we need it. Oh, and He allowed my friend to call me back, too.
Please do keep us in your prayers, especially about Josh's job. He has been sending out applications and resumes, but so far, he hasn't even received a call back. We know it really hasn't been that long, but it's still hard to wait. The job pool is huge right now with so many people out of work and battling for very few jobs. Pray that we will have patience as we wait on the Lord.
Currently
Grieving the Child I Never Knew
By Kathe Wunnenberg
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About Me
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I am just the average Christian stay-at-home mom. My husband and I have been married for 9 years, and God has blessed us with two beautiful little girls and two of our babies are waiting for us in heaven. In my former life I was a television news producer and now write freelance newspaper articles and do public relations for a Christian school. I am also very active in my church and am in charge of all of its publicity. I write about my life and the joys and struggles of being mommy to Ainsley and Lorelei.
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