January 14, 2009

  • It was a girl… And still more questions

    Yes, our baby who now lives in heaven was/is a girl.  It is nice to assign a gender to her, to refer to her with the correct pronoun, to grieve for something I can actually picture, a girl.  Anyone who has ever lost a baby can understand how much just knowing this fact can add to the closure.  The not knowing can be torture.

    But there are many more questions now.  I found out that piece of information today when the doctor called to tell me that the baby died for no apparent cause.  I won’t go into detail about how I was told one thing last week, and another this week, it’s convoluted.  I’ll just say that they now have the official report, and the baby did not have aneuploidy, or any other chromosomal problems.

    This opens up more wounds for me, as I begin again to wonder, what happened, did I do something wrong?  It’s so frustrating, as I felt I was beginning to come to terms with everything.  I feel as though every time I start digging myself out, Satan starts pulling me back in.

    The doctor wants me to go for some testing now.  Please pray for Josh and me.  We have so many things to think about.  The testing could show something as simple as a progesterone issue, or something worse.  It could, of course, show nothing at all.  We are struggling with resting in God’s sovereignty and at least trusting in some of man’s science. 

    I know that no conception is out of God’s hands.  I know that my baby girl’s conception and her early death were ordered by God at the beginning of time, as was the conception and death of the other baby I lost. I know that if God wants us to have another baby, He will give us one.  I know that God only wants good for us, and even this is for His honor and glory.

    This week I have been concentrating on being thankful, for the little and big things.  God has given me the ability to have children.  I do not have trouble getting pregnant.  I know so many women who would love to be pregnant, just once, I’ve had the blessing four times now.  I am thankful for my husband who has been an absolute rock through all of this.  I am thankful that God still desires to bring me closer, even when I sometimes push Him away.

    I know that I have not handled all of this in the most godly of manners.  I wish I could be handling it better.  I am dealing with all that, believe me.  God is working in me.  I just still have a lot more to go.

Comments (14)

  • Isn’t it nice to know that “We” all  have a long way to go, that you aren’t alone, when it comes to trusting God. I have a Aunt once that said to me, ”Others can see the work that God is doing in your life, and how far you come in trusting God, long before we see it in ourselves’.  I think you handling it beautifully!   You are exactly where God wants you to be… resting in him…. for the answers.  How wonderful that God gave you the answer as to the gender. A precious little girl!  I am praying for you as you make the other decissions as well.  Many Hugs!!

  • I continue to pray for you. May God grant you His grace and mercy for each new day. My heart is so sad for you.

    RYC: I special ordered the outfits off of ebay http://stores.ebay.com/My-Embroidery-Boutique I actually thought Scotty would fit into that onesie coming home from the hospital.  What was I thinking?? He just fits into it now, and Cadi’s dress has become quite short. Ah well. They will make wonderful keepsakes. I may cut the embroidery part off and incorporate it into a quilt – we’ll see. :)

  • remember that there is no “instruction manual” for grieving…you are handling it just fine.  As to whether you are handling it in a Godly fashion…remember even God had to turn His face away was Jesus hung on the cross.  You have gone through a horrendous loss.  You are walking thru it honestly, not perfectly.  We don’t achieve “perfect” until we get to Heaven one day.  Let God work in you, but don’t accept the false guilt of the enemy.  Keep walking, one foot in front of the other.  You will come to easier days soon.

    Much love and many prayers,
    Alesha

  • I’m so glad you finally know that she was a girl, though I don’t completely know the feeling, I’m sure it brings you a lot of closure.  I know that this time has been so difficult for you, and I pray that God will continue to give you grace, and get you through the low times, as well as bless you with high times.  I will pray as you go for more testing, too.  I love you, and wish I could share in this burden with you more.  Just know that we all struggle with similar issues, just in different ways, as you well know I’m dealing with my own doubt and lack of faith these days.  Love, Trish

  • Thank you for continuing to share your journey.  Like Trish says, you are not alone. 

    With much prayer,

    Lea Ann

  • A friend of mine recently had a miscarriage and I had no idea what to say to her.  Everything seemed, I don’t know, just wrong.  So I sat with her, listened and prayed.  Please know that I haven’t’ been saying much but I have been listening and praying.

    Praying for your heart to heal.  Your Xanga friend, Lori

  • Like momofjkn, I haven’t said much either (too afraid of saying the wrong thing) but please know you are in my thoughts and prayers daily.  I care about you and your family.  Love, Shanda

  • Getting answers is scary.  I still don’t have all the answers for my infertility because God made some of the tests not work.  Once and a great while I wonder if i should try again but I know with absolute certainty that adoption is God’s plan for our family.  It’s the waiting that is hard.  I hear you and I am seeing your willingness to seek God through this all and I’m praying you continue to do so.  Nothing can seperate us from His love, not even ourselves. 

  • No matter where we are, it seems that God deals with us to refine us and make us more like Him…..and sometimes that is really REALLY tough. In your hard time I am praying you are surrounded by peace and love other than people on your xanga whom can’t give you hugs in person (although we all want to!). I am praying for you today!

    -B

  • You are in our thoughts and prayers.

  • Love to you.  I am so glad you found out that the baby was a girl. :)   I pray that helped in some small way in your grieving process.  I will pray for you as you decide what all to do next with testing, etc.  I pray you find some peace and comfort today.

  • I am continue to pray for you & your family.  I don’t know what to say to you to make you feel better, but I am praying for you.

  • RYC: I’m so thankful that quote by Tozer blessed you, Cathi! I haven’t been on much myself, but I want you to know that you’re often in my thoughts, and prayers! Thank you for coming by today. My husband’s ankle is doing better, although still swollen. The doctor said the bone is healing quite well. I’m feeling better, but tired. It’s going to be another cold night here, too. You stay warm there at home this weekend. Praying for you all! Bless you! <><

  • Cathi,
    I am SO sorry for your pain, I truly am. I have some very similar questions right now. As I sit here typing I believe I am starting to miscarry for the third time. You know what, the pain doesn’t change just because it is my 3rd time, it still hurts just as bad as the first. So I can relate to what you are saying and some of how you are feeling right now. Again, I am so sorry you have to go through this valley again. I am and will continue to pray for you.

Post a Comment

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *