December 12, 2008

  • Coping...

    That's what I'm trying to do right now.

    I'm still in a state of shock, I think.  I don't believe I've really internalized it all just yet.  I don't know what will happen when I do.

    My mom came to be with me - us.  At first, I didn't really want her to come.  Honestly, I didn't want to see or talk to anyone.  She'll be leaving tonight, so we'll see how I handle life once it returns to whatever "normal" is right now.  It's been nice to have her here to take care of the girls, bring Ainsley back and forth to school, to be my call screener.  I appreciate all of my friends who have called and I did get all of your messages, but I'm just not up to talking to anyone right now.

    I just don't understand.  I know from experience that I never will, this side of heaven.  But that realization doesn't make the hurt any less. 

    It isn't fair.  I'm 30 years old; I'm old enough to know that life isn't fair, but that doesn't make it any easier either.  I can almost understand losing one baby out of three, that's within the realm of possibility, that's within the percentages the doctors say.  But two out of four?  I'm shooting 50-50 here and that doesn't seem right. 

    I want to know why, and again I know from experience that I likely never will know the answer.  I want to know why God gave us this surprise baby and then took it away.  I want to know why I was allowed to see a perfectly fine baby at 9 weeks and then just days later that baby died.  I want to know why it took my body four more weeks to realize something was wrong.  I want to know why I was allowed to go 13 weeks thinking I was carrying perfectly healthy baby.  I just want to know why I'm being asked to go through this again.  My mom said God must think I am strong enough to handle two losses.  I sure don't feel that way right now.

    Honestly I feel like a failure as a mother.  I want to know what's wrong with me that I couldn't carry two baby to term.  I want to know if I did something wrong.  There just aren't enough answers to all the questions swirling in my mind and heart right now.

    The hardest thing I've ever had to do is tell Ainsley that the baby in mommy's belly died.  She was much too young when we lost the baby between her and her sister.  She doesn't even know about it.  But this time she knew mommy was pregnant and she was excited.  Oh how she sobbed and sobbed.  I will never forget that sound.  She was so excited about that baby.  Remember, she had named it?  She talked about that baby at least once a day.  She kept asking when my belly would get bigger and if she could help feed or change the baby.  She was so excited to be a big sister again.

    She kept saying she didn't want the baby to die.  She wanted to know why God let the baby die. She wanted to know if God would put a new baby in my belly. She wanted to know if God would give the baby a new body and then send it back to earth.  Oh, I wish, Ainsley, I really do...

    I feel empty.  I ache for another baby I will never get to hold.  I've been through this before.  I know it will get worse before it gets better.  I know that eventually I will find a new normal.  I will never be the same, a piece of me is gone forever, but I will be ok... someday.

    I'm trying to cling to the things that got me through the last loss, but I'm finding that difficult.  I am thankful that I know my baby went to heaven.  I know I will see him or her again someday.  I am thankful he or she never got to feel the pains of earth, but that doesn't make my hurt any less.

    I am scheduled for a D&C on Monday.  Please continue to pray for me.  My body is going through a lot right now.  If you made it all the way through this, you get a prize.  I'm sure it was difficult to read, but I needed to get all my feelings out.

    Thank you for all your prayers and your expressions of sympathy over our loss.

Comments (20)

  • People always say that God doesn't give us more than we can handle but it's just not true.  God WILL give you more than you can handle but it is NEVER more than HE can handle.  Lean on HIm, more than you ever have, let this grow you, and emerge on the other side somehow changed for the better.  I'm glad you wrote all of this out and I'm glad I read it (yes, all of it!).  I've never met you but you can be guaranteed I'm sending you a big hug along with these words, kay? 

  • I'm so sorry for your loss. I know those emotions so well.  Just know that I am thinking and praying for you and your family.

    Colleen

  • Cathi, I'm so sorry to hear of your loss.   I know that words can not comfort you right now in your difficult time of loss.   It is wonderful that your Mom is there to help you and be with the girls also.  I will continue to pray for you & your family.   God is with you, I know right now you are going through so much and you have so many questions.   I feel so bad for you going through all that you have been.   You are a wonderful Mother & Wife and friend to all of us.   I have never met you but I feel like I have.   Praying for you & your family.   Melissa

  • I am typing through tears right now. I am just soo very very sorry. I have only felt a fraction of what you are going through, and it was the worst hurt I had ever felt. Please know we are all praying for peace, and understanding, and strength.
        This is one topic that God and I have gone round and round on. I guess I have got to come to the understanding that God sees so much more then us, but it still goes against everything I feel should be right. I will keep praying for you.

  • I sit here with tears streaming down my cheeks, and as a sister in Christ I feel just a miniscule part of your hurt. I wish there was something tangible I could do for you. Please know that I have been praying for you specifically everyday. I don't know what God's plans are for your life, or why He chose to walk you through this trial - again. But I do know that He says "'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.'Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

    Praying that the power of Christ does indeed rest upon you.

  • Cathi-

    I hope you will continue to use your blog to express your heart.  I know it will help you!  Talk to jesus...keep going to Him with your hurt and pain. I'm glad your mom came to be with you all.  I'm sure she just wanted to be here for you in any way she can.  Mom's can feel helpless at times you know when there kids are in pain.  I am praying for you.  I thought of you often the last few days.  Maybe Ainsley naming the baby will help!  I know this has to be so hard with the girls asking questions.  YOU are NOT a failure as a mom or a person!  You did nothing wrong sweet friend!  Hugs to you!!! 

    Love- Jen

  • Keep asking questions.  God's big enough to allow you to question Him.  He is not afraid of your doubts.  He knows that we will suffer in this life, and wants us to cry out to Him as our Father:

    Romans 8:15-18

    For
    ye have not received the spirit of bondage again to fear; but ye have
    received the Spirit of adoption, whereby we cry, Abba, Father.

    The Spirit itself beareth witness with our spirit, that we are the children of God:

    And
    if children, then heirs; heirs of God, and joint-heirs with Christ; if
    so be that we suffer with him, that we may be also glorified together.

    For
    I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to
    be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.

    There is a time and place when we will know the answers to all the "whys" of this life.  In that day, the glory you have gained by these sufferings will be revealed.

    I know that doesn't help the pain today, but it is a truth to hold on to when nothing else makes sense.

    Continuing in prayer for you and your family,
    Alesha

  • Dear Cathi,

    I was reminded in scripture that you are in company with Christ as to questioning why... as He hung on the cross alone and asked His Father..why?  Be comforted with the fact that He totally cares and understands.

    Thank you for sharing your heart with us. I see what you are going through and want to hop on a plane and give you a BIG HUG and sit with you quietly as one of Job's friends with no words but just be there for you. Know that is my heart and I continue to lift you up in prayer.

     Right now your emotions and all the questions and thoughts that go with them are normal and natural at this time. God is with you as you well KNOW as you walk through this time. It is hard when your emotions can not match with your logic or vise versa..... and I know deep down you know that this is NOT your fault in anyway.... May the LORD show HIMSELF BIG to you more than you have ever known Him before in your walk with Him.

    As I have told you before.. I love you.

  • Cathi my dear Sweet friend,

     I am so very sorry for you. I am praying for you and your family. Sorry I have nothing much to write I feel very stund and in shock too. Love Amanda

  • Cathi, I know you remember how I was when everything happened with Matt and I, and what a great comfort to me you were.  Though I haven't lost a child, I have felt an intense pain in my heart and soul, and wish I could take it from you.  God can definitely bear all of our burdens, He can take away that pain from you...just rest in that.  I know all of our words are trite, and really, nothing we can say can soothe you at this time.  But listen, there is NOTHING you did, or didn't do, you're not a bad mother, you are none of these things.  Sometimes, things just happen...we can't know why, not now, anyway.  Please don't blame yourself.  I remember you telling me the same thing not too long ago.  Just know that I love you, and will continue to pray for you.  I hope we can talk soon, when you feel ready.

  • I have been thinking a lot about you.  I lost one baby but Wyatt was too young to know what was going on.  I know through this pregnancy I worried so much, mostly my worry was for the kids.  I will pray for A also, that she is able to heal quickly.  You guys should do something in memory of your baby at Christmas, something special for her (and you!).

    ((hugs))

  • Cathi, I can only understand some of your hurt and if I could I would bear it all for you--seriously.  I know what it feels like to ask why and to feel punished for not being able to have the child you so desire but God is not punishing you.  He loves you so much it's not even fathomable and I think that is why this is so hard to understand, because we know the depth of His love, a love to deep and wide that he sent His own perfect son to take our place. . . just know that I am praying for you more than daily and I know time will change circumstances but it can never bring your baby back.  You are so precious and loved and I hope that someday looking back at this time you will see how God has used this trial to mature and draw you closer to Him, who works all things for your good.  Love, Elisha

  • I am so sorry, Cathi. May the Lord bring comfort to you!

  • Cathi,

    I haven't signed in to Xanga in forever, and I just read your sad news.  I can't begin to tell you how sorrowful I feel on your behalf, and I apologize for not being more on top of things, to not even get your message asking for prayer until now!

    I know it's not exactly the same, but I remember how utterly devastated I would feel when we were seeking to adopt, thought a baby was on the way, and then things fell through. It's SO difficult, if not impossible, to figure out what God is doing in times like this!  I don't think he blames us for our questions.  He knows we long to understand things, but also that we have limitations.

    I do know that this has nothing to do with what kind of mom you are.  It doesn't!!!!  You are a great mom and you did nothing wrong to "deserve" this.  God doesn't use lives in that way.  Give yourself a break, dear one.  You should not be carrying that weight on your shoulders.  God loves you and doesn't want that burden on you.

    My heart aches for you, but I know God will comfort you.  You will be happy again, and that will be alright.  I will be praying for you, my friend.

    Lots of love,
    Laurie

  • You are in my thoughts and prayers!!

  • Thank you for writing this and sharing your heart so honestly.  I'm not on xanga very ofen anymore but I've been faithfully checking my subscriptions to see if you'v updated and to see how you've been doing.  God has brought you to mind many, many times since you told us of your loss and I have been praying for you and your family each time.  I wish there was more I could do.

  • In the handful of times in my life when I've known someone who has lost a baby in this way, I always realize that I can't begin to fathom how it feels.  But the way that you've poured your heart out in this post, I feel like for the first time I've caught more of a glimps into this kind of loss than ever before.  Thank you for being so vulnerable.  My heart aches for your aching heart, and Ainsley aching heart.  And I'm praying for your healing everyday.

  • There is not a lot I can say ... I know your pain is, of it's essense, a very lonely one.  One of my children, as they watched me cry over your news last week, asked me, "Mommy, why? Why would God do this?" And the only thing I could tell him or myself was "Shall not the Judge of all the earth do right?"

    When I pass through a difficultly painful, confusingly tribulant valley, I am reminded of Job.  He lost it all - even his children - and it really had nothing to do with him.  There was a spiritual battle being waged over him, of which he knew nothing.  His only salvation through it all was his steady faith in his Creator, Who did watch over his soul and carry him safely through.

    I like what "onehappymama" said at the top ^ : God will give you {or allow such trials in your life} more than you can handle but not more than HE can handle.  "Ask the Savior to help you/ He will carry you through."

    With so much love, and constant prayer ,

    Lea Ann

  • I am still praying for you!  Hang in there.  Julie

  • I came across your blog on accident and will tell you that I am praying for you. However, as difficult as this has been for you think about those women whom can never and will never carry any pregnancy to term and think how God can use you in their lives.

    Prayers,
    Susan

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