January 11, 2009

  • Getting Back to Life

    This past week I had to do just that.  I didn't have any other option.  My husband returned to work a normal schedule, my daughter had to return to school, my other daughter needed her mommy, my house needed cleaning, meals had to be fixed, laundry had to be done, etc.  In other words, life had to go on.

    I also went back to work.  Actually, I had my first meeting on Jan. 2.  I was given a huge amount of work to do.  I confess that at first I felt overwhelmed, but when I started working, I realized that it would be really good for me.  I had something to occupy my mind, things to plan, deadlines to meet.   As most of you know, I function best when I am busy.

    And so enters the manic period of my grief.  I spent the week, writing newsletters, press releases, planning for registration, reorganizing the girls' room, emptying cupboards, even ripping down the Winnie the Pooh border in the girls' room so we can start to re-decorate their room in a more girlie fashion.... and there was more, but I won't bore you.  (For those of you who personally know me, remember "A Christmas Carol?"  Yeah, that happened just six weeks after my first loss... you can imagine my manic period for that.)

    I went back to church today, both services, but not Sunday School.  I feel too exposed to be placed in a small group setting.  Last week I went to one service, and avoided talking to people as much as possible.  This time I spoke to a few people, and while most just gave me a hug and said I'm sorry, I still got the dreaded comments, too.  "But you feel fine physically, right?"  Said with the intonation of "so what's your problem, then?"  "Are you on any medication?"  Huh?  And my personal favorite.... "So do they know what's wrong with you, why it happened twice?"  Yup.  That's why I waited a whole month to go back.  I would have been too emotionally raw to handle that any earlier.  Don't get me wrong, I know people are not trying to hurt my feelings, but this is one of those times when you REALLY need to think before you speak. 

    My friend Amanda volunteered to take my girls all day on Monday.  That was the day I had my doctor's appointment.  Amanda has been the one person I could completely spill my guts to through all of this.  She has also lost two babies, and is the only person I feel truly understands the craziness that's been my brain over the past month.  I was thankful to have that day to myself.  I needed to sort through some stuff, pray, and be by myself for a few hours. 

    I think between that time alone, and my doctor's appointment, God granted me a little peace.  I finally felt like I could move on.  Don't get me wrong, I still have a lot to deal with.  I still cry when I merely walk by the maternity section at the store, I still can't even set my eyes on the pregnant women in my church, I still avoid like the plague any blogs mentioning baby preparation or belly pics, I still stare at little bitty babies I pass by, I still see families of five and wonder...  But I do feel like I can finally sit down and try to see what God has for me through this.  In fact I am looking forward to it.   God's fire is always refining.  And I could certainly use some of that.

Comments (11)

  • So good to hear you are getting into the swing of things! You seem so busy. Wish I could have you around here. It is also good to hear you can rely on Amanda and you have some one to turn to. Still praying for you dear friend.

  • God's refining isn't easier but you always come out more like Him in the end.  It is so hard for me to relate, but I know that our Lord can and will and is.  Love & prayers, Lish

  • oh my....don't you wonder about some people?  the kicker for me was my MIL told everyone at their small church that we were expecting again.  Then didn't bother to tell anyone that I miscarried, so when we visited a few weeks after I got tons of congratulations and had to tell everyone myself.  It was so embarrassing, and I still wonder why she did that.

    ((hugs))

  • That is wonderful that you have someone like Amanda that you can talk to & have there for you.   I wonder what goes through people's minds when they say things.   Some people can be rude.   They may not intend to be but they sure are.   I will continue to pray for you.   You have been a busy lady lately:)

  • I know it's so hard to get back to normal after going through something like that.  I felt the same way after everything happened with us two years ago (I cannot believe it's been almost two years), and struggling with trying to get back into a routine.  I know it's hard for you to be around everyone, I'm sorry that it's still so painful.  I wish I could help everyone to stop saying the wrong thing, and just love and support you silently.  It's so tough, because I think like you said, some people just don't know what to say.  I'm glad Amanda has been able to help you through it, she's a good girl. :)   Going back to work must be good, yet exhausting for you...try not to get too overwhelmed there, missy.  I love you, and I'm still praying for heart-healing for you.

  • Blessings to you! Praying for you :)

  • I am so thankful that you are leaning on God...trusting in Him with all of this.  I can testify that God's refining process is almost always painful.  I know He will do something beautiful in you and by using you to help others.  I wish I could ease your pain...I know I can't.  Hugs..and more hugs.  Ignore peoples ignorant comments....It's hard to have people come up and say things when they should just pray and keep their thoughts to themselves.  I'm glad you went back to church! 

    Praying for you.d

  • Hugs, ~A

  • So happy to hear from you.   Thank God for friends "in need" and "in deed"!  May God bless Amanda for her sweet spirit that makes you feel safe.

    Continuing in prayer for you all,
    Alesha

  • So glad the Lord has given you a friend to lean on; that has been a fervent prayer of mine.  I know you are doing well, now, though I know you don't always feel great.  The Lord will continue to heal you as you continue to trust in Him through this trial.

    I understand about the maternity section! And I still have to keep my hands in my pockets when I pass a newborn in the shopping center.  I still get pains when someone comments "it must be time for you to have another!" But "He knows the way that I take."

    Lots of love and prayers!

  • With every post you write about this, I always think you have so much strength deep down for even being able to share it this format.  That strength comes from GOD, I just know it.  Keep tapping that well!  I am so glad you are finding your way through the fog.  I continue to pray for you!

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