December 19, 2008

  • Watching The Snow...

    We're getting our first big snowstorm of the year right now.  It's been snowing hard since about 1:00 this afternoon. It didn't take long for our yard to become a winter wonderland.  We likely have 10 inches already.   Hopefully by the time I'm finished typing this I'll be able to post it since we've been in and out of internet access since then.

    We were planning to leave this afternoon for Chicago.  The whole trip was up in the air with everything that has happened.  I told Josh he had to make the decision about whether we would go.  I can't make any decisions of any consequence right now.  My brain is in this very heavy fog.  My mom promised that she would give the family members a stern talking-to.  There are to be no questions or comments... no asking me if I know how or why, no asking me if we plan to try again, etc.  I simply can not deal with that.  With that handled, hopefully this trip will be good for us, for me.  It helped today to be very busy packing and planning.  It was the best day I've had by far.

    God has been giving me some great joy through my "joy baby."  Lorelei is nowhere near a baby anymore.  She, at 2, is much more like a little girl now than a baby, but she's still my baby.  She's full of words and very intuitive.  She keeps asking me if I'm still sad or if I feel better yet.  She doesn't know what's wrong, but she knows mommy is not quite right.  She has been perfectly happy and content to sit and cuddle with me for long periods of time.  Oh how thankful I am for those moments.  When I was pregnant with her, still dealing with our first loss, I prayed hard that she would, of course be perfect and healthy, but I also prayed that she would be a cuddler since Ainsley certainly is not.  God certainly answered that prayer of this mommy's heart.

    I have not mentioned my husband much in my writing since our loss, but I wanted to say that he has been wonderful.  This was as much his baby as it was mine, but of course, he has put his grief aside to try to help me.  He has taken care of the kids, cleaned the house, made meals, done laundry, made decisions, handled all my phone calls, canceled appointments or stories I couldn't do, even arranged to have the church bulletin taken care of for the rest of the year.  He has given me space when I needed it, and held me when I needed to just cry it out.  There haven't been a lot of words shared between us about it other than our prayers, there just aren't enough words to express our grief, but we do grieve together, in our own ways. 

    This may be the last time I post for awhile as we head out to spend time with family, and hopefully heal a little more.  Please pray for our safety as we make the long journey.

    May all of you have a wonderful Christmas celebrating Christ's birth.

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