We are back home now after our very long road trip to Chicago and back.  We are thankful for the safe travels.  I think we went and came back on the only days we could have without hitting any significant weather along the way.

I have hundreds of pictures to upload, and I’m just not up to that yet, so that will have to wait.  Suffice it to say my children were very blessed this Christmas.  Many a toy or game is still in its box because they have been so busy playing with their other blessings.  Josh worked for a bit this morning and then we had our own little Christmas dinner and the kids finally got to open their presents from us.  And so ends the last of our four Christmases.  Right now everyone is napping (actually someone is walking down the stairs…).  It will take me awhile to get the girls back on schedule.  They were up late and had very few naps while we were gone.  Lorelei was so tired she slept from 6:00 p.m. last night to 10:00 a.m. this morning.  And yes, she’s still napping right now.

As for me, I’m still dealing with a lot of things.  I had some complications from the surgery while we were away.  I have to go back to the doctor tomorrow for another ultrasound.  Obviously, this is not something I’m looking forward to.  I’m also have some other physical problems that I would like to ask some questions about.  I just have a lot going through my mind right now.  Emotionally, well, let’s just say I’m having a little mini-breakdown about once a day.  Please keep me in your prayers.

I hope all of you had a very Merry Christmas.  I have been trying to catch up with everyone, but it may take me awhile.

We’re getting our first big snowstorm of the year right now.  It’s been snowing hard since about 1:00 this afternoon. It didn’t take long for our yard to become a winter wonderland.  We likely have 10 inches already.   Hopefully by the time I’m finished typing this I’ll be able to post it since we’ve been in and out of internet access since then.

We were planning to leave this afternoon for Chicago.  The whole trip was up in the air with everything that has happened.  I told Josh he had to make the decision about whether we would go.  I can’t make any decisions of any consequence right now.  My brain is in this very heavy fog.  My mom promised that she would give the family members a stern talking-to.  There are to be no questions or comments… no asking me if I know how or why, no asking me if we plan to try again, etc.  I simply can not deal with that.  With that handled, hopefully this trip will be good for us, for me.  It helped today to be very busy packing and planning.  It was the best day I’ve had by far.

God has been giving me some great joy through my “joy baby.”  Lorelei is nowhere near a baby anymore.  She, at 2, is much more like a little girl now than a baby, but she’s still my baby.  She’s full of words and very intuitive.  She keeps asking me if I’m still sad or if I feel better yet.  She doesn’t know what’s wrong, but she knows mommy is not quite right.  She has been perfectly happy and content to sit and cuddle with me for long periods of time.  Oh how thankful I am for those moments.  When I was pregnant with her, still dealing with our first loss, I prayed hard that she would, of course be perfect and healthy, but I also prayed that she would be a cuddler since Ainsley certainly is not.  God certainly answered that prayer of this mommy’s heart.

I have not mentioned my husband much in my writing since our loss, but I wanted to say that he has been wonderful.  This was as much his baby as it was mine, but of course, he has put his grief aside to try to help me.  He has taken care of the kids, cleaned the house, made meals, done laundry, made decisions, handled all my phone calls, canceled appointments or stories I couldn’t do, even arranged to have the church bulletin taken care of for the rest of the year.  He has given me space when I needed it, and held me when I needed to just cry it out.  There haven’t been a lot of words shared between us about it other than our prayers, there just aren’t enough words to express our grief, but we do grieve together, in our own ways. 

This may be the last time I post for awhile as we head out to spend time with family, and hopefully heal a little more.  Please pray for our safety as we make the long journey.

May all of you have a wonderful Christmas celebrating Christ’s birth.

The surgery on Monday went as well as it could.  Physically, I am fine.  I am in no pain at all.  Emotionally, I am still struggling.  It was the second d&c I’ve had to have.  The first time I was at a large hospital, the same hospital where I gave birth two times.  This time was at a smaller out-patient surgery center.  The people were so much nicer there.  They were compassionate and understanding of my grief.  For that I was thankful.

I am having some very, very bad days, and some ok days.  Today was an ok day.  Yesterday was not.  I had to be reminded that it was my first day really being alone, and it was only one day after the d&c, but it was still hard.  Today I kept myself very busy, but I’m not sure if that is good or not.  Avoiding my grief isn’t going to make it any better.  I also have to remember that my body is in literal turmoil right now.  My hormones are out of control crazy, on top of being stressed out… and well… sad.

I still need a lot of prayer.  Spiritually and in every other way, this is the lowest I have ever been.  I know some people are worried about my spiritual well-being.  This is what I find to be the hardest part in some respects.  I think Christians are the worst offenders when someone is dealing with a loss like this.  We know that God makes no mistakes and that His ways are perfect, and we know that God’s Will is always best.  And for some reason some think that when you are unhappy with a situation God has you in that you are angry with God or not finding joy in your trials.   I have been told previously to basically just accept it and get over it.  It’s God will and you should happy with it.    I am not angry with God.  Am I happy with it?  Of course not.  Who would be?  I don’t think God expects me to be happy with it.  Am I joyful?  I have joy in Christ.  Joy is not happiness.  True Christian joy is something found in Christ, despite one’s circumstances.  I have joy in knowing that my baby is in heaven.  Am I happy he is there?  No.  I have joy in knowing he will never experience the pains of this earth; that he got a “get out of earth free card.”  Am I happy I never got to meet him, hold him, nurse him, see him grow up?  Absolutely not. 

I realize that there are many others who have experienced much more sadness or grief than I.  I realize that I am not alone in this.  I’m trying not to have a pity party.  I’m trying to thank God for the two beautiful children he did give me.  I know God’s ways are higher than my ways, I know His thoughts are not ours, I know His way is perfect.  I KNOW all those things.  Is it possible I don’t actually BELIEVE them????  I just don’t know right now.

I keep going back to some of the things I studied after we lost the first baby and am wondering why I find little comfort there.  I keep wondering what is wrong with me that I feel so low and in a spiritual desert.  I try to remind myself that it has been just over one week since we found out, but it feels so much longer.  I’m struggling with all the questions in my mind, why this happened, why this way, why me again, and I’m struggling with guilt.  This is the second time, what am I doing wrong?  I know that I will never know the answers to most of those questions, and I know I shouldn’t blame myself, but I feel that way anyway.  I am fighting bitterness in a really big way.  Why am I being asked to go through this two times out of just my four pregnancies, while others can be pregnant six times and not experience even one loss?

I realize that my blog has become a bit depressing, but I have decided and have been encouraged by a friend to continue writing what I am feeling.  It is helping me sort through my feelings, and I am hoping that maybe even as I struggle, I could be helping someone else.  Even if it’s just as simple as helping others understand this very lonely grief.  Maybe once this is all over, I can use what I’ve learned to help someone else.  I want this record when I get there.

  Please keep praying for me.  I know that I will eventually be ok, but it may take me awhile.  I know God is good… all the time… even in the bad times.  I know that He has something wonderful planned for me to learn and glean through this.  It may just take me a long time to get there.

Things are still rough for me.  I just can’t seem to even do the simplest things right now.  My brain is in a fog.  My body is exhausted.  I am sleeping, thankfully, but when I wake I feel as if I haven’t slept at all.  I want to wrap presents and bake cookies with my kids, but I just can’t seem to find the energy to do it.

I am staying home from church, and probably will for quite awhile.  I just can’t be around people right now.  I can hardly hold a conversation with the people who live with me, I can’t possibly deal with people who will want to hug me and tell me how sorry they are.  I will lose it.  I really, really will.  Also, there are quite a few ladies in our church who are pregnant, and the thought of even looking at them right now is more than I can handle.

I am way too sensitive and vulnerable to speak to anyone who MIGHT say something they shouldn’t.  I took a few phone calls a few days ago and they only made me more upset.  One person (who should have known better) even asked me why I was putting myself through a D&C.  I am not “putting myself through a D&C.”  My body literally thinks it is still pregnant because the baby is still there.  (I even had to endure another ultrasound on Friday to confirm this.)  I still have quite a few of those early pregnancy symptoms.  If my body is to heal, I must do this.  Otherwise, it could take as long as MONTHS for my body to recover.  Plus, this is the only way for me to even attempt to get some answers as to why.  I am having the baby tested for any and all genetic abnormalities.

I am having a much harder time with this loss than the first one.  I ordered a few books online the other night to try to help me deal with everything I’m thinking and feeling.  I ordered a devotional book for mothers coping with miscarriage and infant loss (I can’t remember the name right now.)  I also ordered the book “Safe in the Arms of God” by John MacArthur.  I don’t know if I’ll be able to read them just yet, but something has to help.  Right now, the Bible seems to be written in some foreign language and prayers seem to get stuck at the ceiling.  God feels very far away…

I know His grace is sufficient for me, I know I am to count it joy to be in this trial, I know my God loves me more than I can even understand, I know my baby was made in the image of God, was fearfully and wonderfully made, etc.  I know all those things – in my head – but my heart, it’s too broken to make sense of much right now.

That’s what I’m trying to do right now.

I’m still in a state of shock, I think.  I don’t believe I’ve really internalized it all just yet.  I don’t know what will happen when I do.

My mom came to be with me – us.  At first, I didn’t really want her to come.  Honestly, I didn’t want to see or talk to anyone.  She’ll be leaving tonight, so we’ll see how I handle life once it returns to whatever “normal” is right now.  It’s been nice to have her here to take care of the girls, bring Ainsley back and forth to school, to be my call screener.  I appreciate all of my friends who have called and I did get all of your messages, but I’m just not up to talking to anyone right now.

I just don’t understand.  I know from experience that I never will, this side of heaven.  But that realization doesn’t make the hurt any less. 

It isn’t fair.  I’m 30 years old; I’m old enough to know that life isn’t fair, but that doesn’t make it any easier either.  I can almost understand losing one baby out of three, that’s within the realm of possibility, that’s within the percentages the doctors say.  But two out of four?  I’m shooting 50-50 here and that doesn’t seem right. 

I want to know why, and again I know from experience that I likely never will know the answer.  I want to know why God gave us this surprise baby and then took it away.  I want to know why I was allowed to see a perfectly fine baby at 9 weeks and then just days later that baby died.  I want to know why it took my body four more weeks to realize something was wrong.  I want to know why I was allowed to go 13 weeks thinking I was carrying perfectly healthy baby.  I just want to know why I’m being asked to go through this again.  My mom said God must think I am strong enough to handle two losses.  I sure don’t feel that way right now.

Honestly I feel like a failure as a mother.  I want to know what’s wrong with me that I couldn’t carry two baby to term.  I want to know if I did something wrong.  There just aren’t enough answers to all the questions swirling in my mind and heart right now.

The hardest thing I’ve ever had to do is tell Ainsley that the baby in mommy’s belly died.  She was much too young when we lost the baby between her and her sister.  She doesn’t even know about it.  But this time she knew mommy was pregnant and she was excited.  Oh how she sobbed and sobbed.  I will never forget that sound.  She was so excited about that baby.  Remember, she had named it?  She talked about that baby at least once a day.  She kept asking when my belly would get bigger and if she could help feed or change the baby.  She was so excited to be a big sister again.

She kept saying she didn’t want the baby to die.  She wanted to know why God let the baby die. She wanted to know if God would put a new baby in my belly. She wanted to know if God would give the baby a new body and then send it back to earth.  Oh, I wish, Ainsley, I really do…

I feel empty.  I ache for another baby I will never get to hold.  I’ve been through this before.  I know it will get worse before it gets better.  I know that eventually I will find a new normal.  I will never be the same, a piece of me is gone forever, but I will be ok… someday.

I’m trying to cling to the things that got me through the last loss, but I’m finding that difficult.  I am thankful that I know my baby went to heaven.  I know I will see him or her again someday.  I am thankful he or she never got to feel the pains of earth, but that doesn’t make my hurt any less.

I am scheduled for a D&C on Monday.  Please continue to pray for me.  My body is going through a lot right now.  If you made it all the way through this, you get a prize.  I’m sure it was difficult to read, but I needed to get all my feelings out.

Thank you for all your prayers and your expressions of sympathy over our loss.

Some you know that I began spotting last night.  I went in for an ultrasound this morning and it confirmed my worst fear.  The baby is dead.  Apparently, the baby died just shortly after that first ultrasound a month ago.  I am absolutely devastated.  I am having a really hard time believing that this has happened again, and at the end of my first trimester.  I must make some very painful decisions now about how to proceed.  My body is not handling the end of the pregnancy well.  Please pray for me.  I desperately need it.

I’m going to skip the craziness of last week, the meetings, the cantata practice, grocery shopping, the Christmas tree debacle… I’m just going to show the pictures of family fun.  Because hopefully, that’s all I’ll remember, too.
Decorating the tree…

Doesn’t she look like she’s working very hard?
 
The girls helped put the star on the top.

Ainsley had been begging all week to make some Christmas cookies.  I just hadn’t had the time.  By Friday, I just couldn’t tell her no again, so I just bought some store-bought dough sheets and let them cut out cookies in between my three meetings.  It made all three of us so happy, in the midst of the busy-ness.

That night I was supposed to go to church and help decorate it for Christmas, but I was exhausted.  And I really needed a little family and relaxation time.

I stayed home and we all decorated cookies.
 
 
These are girls’ cookies.  Don’t worry those of you who might be getting some cookies from me.  You won’t get any the girls touched.  Promise.

She just pretty much licked icing the whole time.  I think she liked it.
After the cookie decorating, we snuggled in and watched the new “Tinkerbell” movie, complete with popcorn and us all piled together on one couch, cuddling.
 
Me, the girls, and Fenway (who loves to get in any pictures) in our decorated living room.

My family.  I am so thankful for each one of them.