February 6, 2009
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Facing the Truth
It has been a rough week for me. I think the reality of everything that has happened in the last nearly two months finally really hit me. The miscarriage, the physical issues that have gone along with that, Josh losing his job, his car breaking down, etc… It just feels like we keep getting kicked while we are down.
It seems everywhere I turn there’s a pregnant woman, a newborn, something to stab that pain of loss in my heart again. A friend had her baby boy this week. So many of my friends both here and all over are pregnant. Status lines on Facebook read “six more weeks ’til baby comes” or “we’re having a girl!” It all makes me just want to crawl in a hole and not come out. Tonight there will be a ladies game night for ladies of our church at the home of a pregnant woman. There will be at least one other pregnant woman there and you know what happens when you get a few pregnant women together, all the talk will be of pregnancy and babies. I can’t do that right now… not this week…
My husband saw that I was having a tough time and decided to give me some peace and quiet this morning. He took the girls out. I needed a friend, but no one was home when I called. Then I thought, why aren’t I talking to God???
I picked up my devotional book about grieving the loss of a child and opened to the next chapter, this is what I found in the first paragraph:
“Have you ever ignored the truth about your loss because reality was too painful to face? I have. For a season after my baby’s death, coping with people and situtations involving babies was challenging for me. I avoided certain activities, friends, restaurants, family and even church becauase I was afraid of how I would react. Making excuses worked for awhile, but I realized I couldn’t run from every situation and would have to find a way to survive.”
Right after I read that I knew that God wanted me to read this on this day of all days. The devotional continued and went on to say that those feelings were normal and gave scripture verses and helps to cope in certain situations. I am thankful that God knows just what we need when we need it. Oh, and He allowed my friend to call me back, too.
Please do keep us in your prayers, especially about Josh’s job. He has been sending out applications and resumes, but so far, he hasn’t even received a call back. We know it really hasn’t been that long, but it’s still hard to wait. The job pool is huge right now with so many people out of work and battling for very few jobs. Pray that we will have patience as we wait on the Lord.
Comments (8)
Thank you for this post, as well as for the comments on my similarly minded one. Do you think you would ever share some of the verses and ideas you have gleaned from your Bible Study and this book? I would be very interested, and I’m sure others would benefit as well.
Praying always for you …
During the years I struggled so badly with infertility, I often avoided certain activities. Sometimes I just knew the people there would not be compassionate, and I would be hurt too much. Or I was feeling especially fragile and knew that I wouldn’t just cry – I would speak out – and possibly offended others. Those days I just stayed home.
Some days “safe” is a good place. After it while it can turn into a selfish place, and we have to move from there. God is merciful, though, and let’s us know when to move forward.
Thank you again for sharing.
Alesha
I am so sorry you are hurting….my prayers are with you.
I sent you a note on facebook, but I’ll say it here, too. I understand why you feel the way you do, and I’m still praying for you. You can always call me, if you ever want or need to. Just so you know.
Talk to you soon. Love, Trish
Cathi you are doing great I am happy you are guarding yourself right now. It is OK to avoid situations that can and will make you feel uncomfortable, right now while the wounds and hurts are so fresh. We are and will continue to pray for you and Josh’s job! ~A
I continue to uplift you and your family in prayer. I am sorry that you are hurting so much. I am glad that you are sharing here on xanga. I think too often this is such a silent, private hurt, and just reading what you have written allows me to understand a little bit (I know that I can never fully understand your grief) how painfully women suffer after this loss. I wish it was something recognized more – does that make sense? My heart hurts for you. I am glad that God gave you some peace today. Praying . . . .
Cathi, I read this and I could totally relate. I have felt some of those very feelings. It sounds like that devotional is just right and I hope that it helps you heal and helps your relationship with the Lord. Praying for you and your family! Love, Lish
This is a great book. Keep talking about how you are feeling. Either keep a journal or find someone who understands. You would be shocked at the number of people you know who have had pregnancy losses. I lost my dd at 31 weeks. With my following pregnancies I was terrified at that point. Next month will be 7 years. The pain does change as time goes by. You WILL come to the day when you don’t think about your baby all day. The next day you will be shocked and a little angry at yourself. That is okay, and normal, and part of healing.