January 5, 2009

• An answer... of sorts...

  At least part of the question of "why?" was answered today.

  And it came in the form of an ugly word: Aneuploidy.  It's not even pleasant to spell.

  Here's the definition:

  "Aneuploidy is a condition in which a cell has an incorrect number of chromosomes. Human cells are supposed to have 46 chromosomes. Females have 23 pairs of chromosomes, whereas males have 22 pairs but then a final pair containing an X and a Y (females have two X chromosomes).

  In aneuploidy, a cell might have three copies of a particular chromosome -- making 47 chromosomes -- or only one copy of a particular chromosome, making 45 chromosomes in the cell. Any change in the number of chromosomes can affect health. Some aneuploidies can result in a live birth, such as Down syndrome (Trisomy 21), but others are lethal in the first trimester and can never lead to a viable baby.

  Environmental influences may be able to cause aneuploidy, but scientists believe that most cases of aneuploidy result from random errors in cell division. Most of the time, even when chromosomal testing after a miscarriage shows that the baby was affected by aneuploidy, the aneuploidy does not recur in future pregnancies."

  That last sentence is the hardest to read, for me.  It did happen again.  A chromosomal problem was the cause of the first miscarriage, too.  I just wasn't given a word for it last time.

  Finding out that it was a chromosomal problem is good and bad all at the same time.  I can finally let myself believe that there wasn't anything I could have done to change it.  My baby was perfectly and wonderfully made only long enough to survive a few weeks in my womb. 

  But it is also so hard to accept that there was NOTHING I could do to prevent it or to prevent it from happening again.  I was really hoping there was something wrong with me, some pill I could take, some hormone I could take to make sure it would never happen again. 

  I went to a different doctor's office than usual today so they didn't have my whole chart.  He didn't even have the complete pathology report, just the first page that said that awful word on it.  I wanted to compare the reports, find out if it was the same chromosome, etc.  But I guess it wouldn't do any good... there still isn't anything I could do.

  I am now in the stage of miscarriage grieving where in one second want to sell all my baby stuff on ebay, have my tubes tied and never even think about having another baby, and then one second later I want to be pregnant again, NOW. 

  Although this baby was a surprise, we were happy, we were excited, we felt so blessed to be having another child.  I was pregnant for 13 weeks, 13 WEEKS.  That's a long time.  We talked about what it was going to be like to have three children, we thought about next summer complete with the thoughts of a newborn.  We were ready to add another little one to our family.  It's hard to turn those thoughts off now.  In my mind, we were to be a family of five.

  My mother in law wanted to know how the appointment went.  When I explained to her the cause of the miscarriage she said, "Well, now you should just be happy with the two you have and not try again."  She might as well have ripped out my heart and stomped on it.  It's not that easy to turn off the want for another child after you've lost one.  The thought of being pregnant again is terrifying.  The thought of NEVER being pregnant again and this is my last memory of being pregnant is absolutely horrifying.

  The doctor ordered extra blood work to check hormone levels, iron levels, thyroid levels to find out if there are other problems going on or just hormone fluctuations causing my other physical problems right now.

  I am trying to stop throwing myself a pity party.  I AM thankful for the girls God has allowed me to raise.  I am thankful they are perfect and healthy.  There's nothing like two miscarriages to make you understand just how much of a miracle that is.  God has given us two gifts in those two girls.  And, of course, I know that if I hadn't had the first miscarriage I wouldn't have Lorelei.  I wouldn't trade my joy baby for anything.  I need to stop focusing on what I don't have anymore and focus on what God has given me.  I have to get out of the pit of despair I am in right now.  I am hoping just having some finality today will help with that.  I am going to try to see if I'm ready to crack open those books I ordered.  I need to start moving toward healing in my heart and in my head.  I know that God is ready and waiting to listen to me. 

  Please keep praying for me and thanks for letting me talk through this journey.

  • 12:43 pm
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