December 17, 2008

  • Recovering...

    The surgery on Monday went as well as it could.  Physically, I am fine.  I am in no pain at all.  Emotionally, I am still struggling.  It was the second d&c I've had to have.  The first time I was at a large hospital, the same hospital where I gave birth two times.  This time was at a smaller out-patient surgery center.  The people were so much nicer there.  They were compassionate and understanding of my grief.  For that I was thankful.

    I am having some very, very bad days, and some ok days.  Today was an ok day.  Yesterday was not.  I had to be reminded that it was my first day really being alone, and it was only one day after the d&c, but it was still hard.  Today I kept myself very busy, but I'm not sure if that is good or not.  Avoiding my grief isn't going to make it any better.  I also have to remember that my body is in literal turmoil right now.  My hormones are out of control crazy, on top of being stressed out... and well... sad.

    I still need a lot of prayer.  Spiritually and in every other way, this is the lowest I have ever been.  I know some people are worried about my spiritual well-being.  This is what I find to be the hardest part in some respects.  I think Christians are the worst offenders when someone is dealing with a loss like this.  We know that God makes no mistakes and that His ways are perfect, and we know that God's Will is always best.  And for some reason some think that when you are unhappy with a situation God has you in that you are angry with God or not finding joy in your trials.   I have been told previously to basically just accept it and get over it.  It's God will and you should happy with it.    I am not angry with God.  Am I happy with it?  Of course not.  Who would be?  I don't think God expects me to be happy with it.  Am I joyful?  I have joy in Christ.  Joy is not happiness.  True Christian joy is something found in Christ, despite one's circumstances.  I have joy in knowing that my baby is in heaven.  Am I happy he is there?  No.  I have joy in knowing he will never experience the pains of this earth; that he got a "get out of earth free card."  Am I happy I never got to meet him, hold him, nurse him, see him grow up?  Absolutely not. 

    I realize that there are many others who have experienced much more sadness or grief than I.  I realize that I am not alone in this.  I'm trying not to have a pity party.  I'm trying to thank God for the two beautiful children he did give me.  I know God's ways are higher than my ways, I know His thoughts are not ours, I know His way is perfect.  I KNOW all those things.  Is it possible I don't actually BELIEVE them????  I just don't know right now.

    I keep going back to some of the things I studied after we lost the first baby and am wondering why I find little comfort there.  I keep wondering what is wrong with me that I feel so low and in a spiritual desert.  I try to remind myself that it has been just over one week since we found out, but it feels so much longer.  I'm struggling with all the questions in my mind, why this happened, why this way, why me again, and I'm struggling with guilt.  This is the second time, what am I doing wrong?  I know that I will never know the answers to most of those questions, and I know I shouldn't blame myself, but I feel that way anyway.  I am fighting bitterness in a really big way.  Why am I being asked to go through this two times out of just my four pregnancies, while others can be pregnant six times and not experience even one loss?

    I realize that my blog has become a bit depressing, but I have decided and have been encouraged by a friend to continue writing what I am feeling.  It is helping me sort through my feelings, and I am hoping that maybe even as I struggle, I could be helping someone else.  Even if it's just as simple as helping others understand this very lonely grief.  Maybe once this is all over, I can use what I've learned to help someone else.  I want this record when I get there.

      Please keep praying for me.  I know that I will eventually be ok, but it may take me awhile.  I know God is good... all the time... even in the bad times.  I know that He has something wonderful planned for me to learn and glean through this.  It may just take me a long time to get there.

Comments (16)

  • Cathi, I can't imagine anyone wanting you to be happy about what you're experiencing right now, but I may be wrong.  I know I certainly don't expect you to be happy.  I just think that maybe as your friends, we're feeling a bit helpless right now, and kind of at a loss.  It's hard to know the right things to say or think, I can't speak for everyone, but I know that I just want to help you, I'm not really sure how.  I just want you to be ok, I want to take this awful burden from you, and make it better, but I realize I cannot.  The only thing I can do is be your friend, love you, and most importantly...pray for you.  I know the feeling of being so lost, that you don't even know how to even FIND God...I can definitely relate with you on that one.  I pray that HE makes His presence known to you in a mighty way, and wraps His arms around you.  I love you, Cathi...

  • Oh boy, did I understand what you were writing in this blog, Cathi......though I have never lost a child, I was at my lowerst point spiritually and in all other areas when I had my last surgery where the doctors told me I would never again have a biological child. I was to the point of grief where I could not talk to anyone....not my husband, not my friends, not my mom and dad and certainly not God. Thankfully, I learned that God can take that. God can take silence. God can take anger and questioning and heartache. So can my friends...and so can family (though people so many times don't know what to say or do to help you get over your grief). I am PRAYING for you tonight. My heart breaks that you are in this place. I am so SO sorry for this terrible loss. Praying for you tonight.

  • Cathi,

    To me it sounds like you have a healthy knowledge of the difference between happiness and joy.  You have as much joy as anyone could possibly expect, but the happiness isn't there.  That's completely normal!  There isn't anyone who could be happy in a situation like this, unless they were emotionally unstable.

    You keep writing what you need to write, and we'll keep reading and praying for you.  It's your blog.  I don't think it's depressing.  I do feel so sad for you, but that's what believers are supposed to do (mourn with those who mourn), and it's not the same as being depressed.

    I believe God will heal you in every way, in His time.  He doesn't expect your sadness to go away in an instant, no matter how strong your faith is.  Try not to worry about what others think you should be feeling, and just feel what you feel.  God understands and so do most people.  The ones who tell you otherwise are probably just uncomfortable with emotion, or are expressing themselves in a way they don't intend.

    With love and prayers,
    Laurie

  • I will continue to lift you up in prayer. I think that it is good for you to write. I think too often this is a silent sorrow that women feel they must bear alone, and it doesn't have to be that way.

  • I'm glad that you shared Cathi.  I have never experienced the loss that you and your family has had to endure.  From the outside looking in it is so easy to see resolutions to peoples trials but the reality is that only God is the best at resolving your trial.  I really don't know how to help you other than to pray.  I will definitely keep doing that.  Keep writing.  Love, Elisha

  • As you know, I do know that loss of a child that I will never get to know on a personal level.  I know that there are not words to comfort.  This is a journey we have to travel and see to the other side of the grief.  I remember just needing time to sort things through...to just take time to absorb what had happened.  This is a hard time of year to find the time to just grieve.  Hang in there and take one day at a time.  Remember that we are all thinking of you and praying for you...Love, Colleen

  • You are NORMAL this is normal...the feelings, the emotions, the tiredness the good and bad days, being confused, not knowing what to say or do, the loss of energy, the sleepless nights the foggy days.... you will come out of this better and stronger.

    I continue to pray for you daily and thank you for writing and expressing yourself this way and in some small way if this is helping you I want you to keep posting and writing-you are a writer that is what you went to college for you are gifted in this area so use it!

    Love ya

  • Please keep writing...it helps us to know how to pray for you.  I thought about you on Monday and said a prayer.  You haven't lost the same baby as last time, you aren't in the same place in life, and it's going to be different.  Don't expect the healing to be the same.  Just take it one day at a time, and as much time as you need.

    ((hugs))

  • I'm glad you continue to write.  Even if the things you write are dark and sad and may not be what "everyone" wants to hear.  Keep writing.  Let is flow.  Feel the hurts.  Other than that all I can do is send you another great big hug.

  • I also lost a baby, my first one, and I still deal with the loss.  I, in no way, think you are depressing.  It does bring back a lot of emotion that I remember going through, but it doesn't depress me.  It is true about having an understanding and compassion for this that you never had before. 

    I will continue to pray for you as you are sorting out your feelings and thoughts. 

    Praying for you, Julie

  • Writing about how you feel is a very important part of the grieving process.  Your blog isn't depressing, it's making me realize how blessed I am to have the children that I do, and I need that reminder right now. 

    I'm so sorry for what you are having to go through. {{{HUGS}}}

  • Still praying for you. We love you.

  • I just wanted to say thank you for being open, honest and vulnerable at a time that is so hard to be. I keep reading your words and over and over I just want to encourage you to stop trying to find a way to blame yourself for this tragedy. God isn't punishing you for anything that you or anyone else has done. You are a brave and strong woman (whether you believe it or not right now ).

  • I still pray for you. I too want to take it all away. Thanks for writing what you are going through. It helps us to know how to pray for you. Love you 

  • I don't think your blog is becoming depressing at all, it's your blog.   You need to get everything out that you are feeling.   This is how you do that.   I will continue to read your blog and encourage you.   I know there is nothing that I can say to you to help make you feel better, but I continue to pray for you & your family.   If this helps you to deal with your feelings then please keep writing.   I feel so bad that you have to go through all of this.   Praying for you my friend.

  • Thank you for writing, Cathi.  It takes courage to be so vulnerable during a difficult spiritual journey.  You are showing such faith and hope in your writing here; though you don't feel it, you have it, which is more important.  You KNOW HIM, and that makes all the difference. 

    With love and prayers,

    Lea Ann

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