December 14, 2008

  • Coping II

    Things are still rough for me.  I just can't seem to even do the simplest things right now.  My brain is in a fog.  My body is exhausted.  I am sleeping, thankfully, but when I wake I feel as if I haven't slept at all.  I want to wrap presents and bake cookies with my kids, but I just can't seem to find the energy to do it.

    I am staying home from church, and probably will for quite awhile.  I just can't be around people right now.  I can hardly hold a conversation with the people who live with me, I can't possibly deal with people who will want to hug me and tell me how sorry they are.  I will lose it.  I really, really will.  Also, there are quite a few ladies in our church who are pregnant, and the thought of even looking at them right now is more than I can handle.

    I am way too sensitive and vulnerable to speak to anyone who MIGHT say something they shouldn't.  I took a few phone calls a few days ago and they only made me more upset.  One person (who should have known better) even asked me why I was putting myself through a D&C.  I am not "putting myself through a D&C."  My body literally thinks it is still pregnant because the baby is still there.  (I even had to endure another ultrasound on Friday to confirm this.)  I still have quite a few of those early pregnancy symptoms.  If my body is to heal, I must do this.  Otherwise, it could take as long as MONTHS for my body to recover.  Plus, this is the only way for me to even attempt to get some answers as to why.  I am having the baby tested for any and all genetic abnormalities.

    I am having a much harder time with this loss than the first one.  I ordered a few books online the other night to try to help me deal with everything I'm thinking and feeling.  I ordered a devotional book for mothers coping with miscarriage and infant loss (I can't remember the name right now.)  I also ordered the book "Safe in the Arms of God" by John MacArthur.  I don't know if I'll be able to read them just yet, but something has to help.  Right now, the Bible seems to be written in some foreign language and prayers seem to get stuck at the ceiling.  God feels very far away...

    I know His grace is sufficient for me, I know I am to count it joy to be in this trial, I know my God loves me more than I can even understand, I know my baby was made in the image of God, was fearfully and wonderfully made, etc.  I know all those things - in my head - but my heart, it's too broken to make sense of much right now.

Comments (22)

  • (Hugs) I would love to sit with you in Silence. Since I can't, I am Praying for you my friend. 

  • There is not much that I can say that will help, so know that we fellow believers are holding you up in prayer. When you feel you can't do it, know we are filling the void on your behalf.
        Father God, please give this dear child of yours strength. Giver her heart peace, and her hurting soul rest.  Please let her start to heal, and feel the joy of her daughters again. Let her loved ones be understanding and sensitive to her needs. Father this is overwhelming for her. Please carry her through this. Wrap your loving and protecting arms around her. Give her strength to face the day and wisdom beyond our feeble understanding.  Just heal her hurting heart father God.  We thankyou and praise you for your infinite wisdom, even when we can't understand why.
    Amen

  • Prayers and hugs.

  • Still praying.

  • Continuing to pray your you! 

  • I continue to pray...believing for the day that God will turn your mourning into the dancing. 

  • I am glad you found those books..I know one of them was recommended to me for you and I wanted to find it to send to you but I see you ordered it. What is going on with you is perfectly normal and this is very difficult just know that we are....

    praying, praying, and praying for you. 

  • I am still praying for you dear friend. It is normal to feel as though God were far. He is not though He is with you every step of this rough road! Of course you need to go through your D&C. It is what you feel you need to do. Don't feel bad about feeling bad or not wanting to see those at church. You need time to heal. I love you Cathi! You are in my thoughts and prayers constantly. My mom, who had a miscarriage, had a heavy heart for you during the first loss and she does again.
    (((((Hugs)))))))

  • Praying for you.

  • I am continuing to pray for you.   I will be praying for you tomorrow as well.   I think ordering the books will help you, but it needs to be when you feel up to reading them.   Your faith is amazing.  You are a wonderful person!!   My heart breaks for you that you have to go through this.   Sending you monster hugs & prayers!!   Melissa

  • I think of you often and am praying for you, too.

  • You're not alone Cathi.  I'm still praying for you.

  • To the S house,

    We all love you so very much Cathi, (and Josh and the girls too). When I was feeling down the other day about the babies we have both lost Jason told me he is sure they are all together up in heaven playing with eachother :)  

    We will hold our babies someday and our hurts will be forever erased by our loving and faithfull God!

    Love the M's

  • Love to you Cathi!  I am praying.

  • Praying for and thinking of you often, Cathi.  Love you.

  • Still praying for you

  • I'm sure you feel as though you are standing still and not making any forward progress; but I read GREAT things in this post! 

    You are looking for answers that make sense. 
    You are protecting yourself and your family from things that would hurt. 
    You are surrounding yourself with information - so that when you are ready to read those books they will be there. 
    You are looking forward to a time when you will want to move ahead in your grief.

    More importantly, even though it seems to be of no help, you ARE praying and you ARE reading the Scriptures!  There is where you will find peace that is not understandable.

    Continue to be gentle to yourself and to your family.  There is no timetable that you must follow.  It is ok to be exactly where you are today!

    I am still praying for God's peace to be poured out on you,
    Alesha

  • I am so sorry for your loss. I can not even imagine what you and your family are going through right now. We will be praying for all of you, and that you will recover quickly and somehow that the doctor's will be able to give you some answers!

    Jen

  • We love you and are praying for you. 

  • Cathi ... I'm so very sorry. You are not alone ... there are those of us here that know what you're experiencing now. It was very difficult in the beginning for me, but I leaned hard on God, and now I take comfort in knowing that my two precious little ones are in the arms of the Lord, and I will see them again someday. We don't always understand His ways, not at first ... He just asks that we keep our eyes on Him ... to leave our heart in His hands ... and rest in our faith and trust in Him! Know that I will be praying daily for you, my sweet friend, for all of you!

    Thank you for coming by, reading and commenting on Ian's accident even as you were in pain ... I'm praying that your heart will be comforted and that God's peace ... the peace that passes all of our human understanding will rest upon you! <><

  • (((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))

  • I will not try to pretend I understand your feelings- everyone handles personal happenings differently.  You've said everything that a person just trying to be nice would say...about how you know in your head all the answers but your heart just can't wrap all that up into something that makes any sense... So I won't add any more- Just want to send my hugs and prayers!
    Hang in there~

    Dayna

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