November 21, 2008
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Do Parent/Teacher Conference Get Easier?
Now I admit I am overly sensitive to others' views of Ainsley. I have been working on this, but it is still hard. She was not the child I expected her to be by any stretch of the imagination, but I wouldn't trade her for the world either. But ever since my very spirited child started to show her, well, spiritedness I have sometimes taken her behavior as an indication of my faulty mothering. And any time anyone makes a mention of Ainsley's behavior (even when done in the right way) I have the tendency to feel that way as well. This is something I have worked HARD on, but I am nowhere near over it.
Now, fast-forward to today with my 4 and a half year old nearly half-way through her first year of "school." She is in a real K-4 with real academic standards and things she must learn. And to that end, we had her first parent/teacher conference this week. I've been mulling it over since Wednesday. In all honesty, the teacher didn't tell us much that we didn't we already know. She has trouble listening attentively, focusing and following directions. It's not that she doesn't know things, she does, she just doesn't want to concentrate long enough to do what she's supposed to do correctly. The teacher does realize this, and made everything sound as good as possible, but still the words stung a little. On top of my already overly sensitive Ainsley views, this pregnancy is making pretty hyper-sensitive, too.
The teacher also said that I may be expecting too much of her at times. And reminded me that she is only four. I think this is what has me thinking the most. Do I expect too much of her? We do expect her to obey, to answer us sweetly, and to be kind to others. These are all things she struggles with, but still expect her to do those things. Is it too much?
I've prayed over this, but my mind is still replaying it and my brain keeps thinking that I must be falling short in some sort of mommy area. I'm thinking this will get easier with time. Will it? Or am I just hoping it will?
Comments (10)
Ahh, I am sorry. I know exactly what you mean. I always thought I was the perfect mother till Isaac turned 1. YIKES!!! I don't think the things you listed are too much to expect from her. We as Christians do have a higher calling, and we do want to raise loving godly children. That being said, she is a small child with her own personality. I think sometimes the school system is too hard on them. They are put in a class room for a long time, and expected to conform to the exact standards of people who are teaching 20 plus kids. I just don't know. There has to be a happy medium somehow.
I am sure this will get easier the older she gets. Just think 10 years from now, when you are dealing with a bunch of teenage girl stuff, you will look back fondly on these struggles
Being a mommy to a "spirited" girl myself, I know what you are saying. It does take a lot more effort to parent a child that has a strong will. Have you read Dr. Dobson's book on the strong willed child? It was an eye opener for me to see things from her perspective. And to find out that I have a little girl who is actually on the milder end of the strong will spectrum. But the key to getting through to them is making their behavior their choice. Letting them make bad choices sometimes and having to reap the consiquences is a very learning experience for them. And having a clear consiquence in place for when they choose to engage in behavior that they know that you disapprove of - Like... if I talk back, then mom is going to make me sit in my room alone...she may still choose to talk back on occation but will already know what will happen when she does. Consistancey is hard but is a key also - because if you let them get away with it once - they will remember it for the next time.
I don't think that you have too high of standards. Some children need more guidelines to show them where they should go. Guard rails are on roads to keep us safely on the road, rules are in life to keep us safe....
We, as Christians, want our children to obey because it's what Jesus wants them to do. We want them to have sweet spirits of submission toward us because it's the right thing to do.
Teachers want a room full of children who do what they're told, when they're told to do and for them to do it exactly like everyone else. Really - and I was a teacher for many years - we don't like kids to "rock the boat" in the classroom. It's just too hard to control them all if they don't conform to the expected norms. We do try to nurture individuality at times, but only in controlled ways.
You have to think, too, that your goals and the teacher's are not
necessarily the same. You want an obedient child. She wants a
compliant child. They are not exactly the same. The obedient child
hears the request or demand and processes it, then decides to obey
because it's the right thing to do. The compliant child just does what
it's told.
It's a fine line. We do encourage instant obedience, but not at the
price of individual thought. Ugh! It's hard to even explain it
rightly.
If the child doesn't have a "people pleaser" attitude, they are going to miss the subtle desires of a teacher. They aren't going to be listening at every moment for 4-5 hours in the mornings. Many children at this age know to listen for mommy and daddy's voice and inflection because they have been trained for that. They just haven't tuned into the voice of all the teachers, substitutes, volunteers, etc.
It is important for children to learn to listen to whatever authority the parents allow to be over them. But for some kiddos that's just a hard thing to learn. You have to stop the thoughts in your own head long enough to hear the teacher. From all you've said about Ainsley, her brain is very busy and energetic. It must be very difficult to turn all that "off" and pay attention to someone who she is not learned to listen for yet.
She is not trying to be difficult or disobedient. She is just still learning that her will and thoughts may not be the most important ones to pay attention to sometimes.
Very carefully, you have to nurture her to listen to those in authority without turning off her brain. We as Christians need to be BIG thinkers - in politics, in religion, in society. We can't afford to allow our children to be dumb sheep led around; but we do have to teach them respect for those in authority.
I'm VERY SURE that you have been working on this already! I know what a great, conscientious mom you are. I know that you are a deliberate parent who works hard to meet the needs of each child God has entrusted to you. You are not doing something wrong here!
Your child is an individual, and has been nurtured to be so. Now she has been joined to a group. She has to re-learn some of her thought processes. It's still EARLY in the year. Please don't stress TOO much!
Go to God with this burden. If there has been something that you have let slide in her training, He will let you know.
Praying for you on this!!!
Alesha
awwww....I am so glad we don't have to deal with those conferences! I think the things you are expecting of her are just fine....that is respect and obedience. kids should all be taught that!
I don't think we will ever get over being sensitive to what others have to say about our kids. I personally knew that if Wyatt were put into school, no teacher would understand or work with his personality the way I do. He is definitely unique, and not necessarily in a bad way.
Don't second guess yourself...i'm sure you are doing a great job!!
My Lonna had a very rough year in her 4-year-old preschool class. Huge issues with impulse control to put it generally....she was the class bully at points. I felt the exact same way....what was I doing wrong? We prayed about it and made some positive adjustments around here...the biggest of which was scripture memory. Helping Lonna to write God's Word on her heart was very big for her. (Don't ask me why we weren't really doing this before this point?!?)
AND I credit good old fashion maturity that comes with age. When we hit the Kindergarten conferences, I can remember asking the teacher if she was showing any bullying tendancies, and I can remember Mrs. D asking why I would even ask such a question...she had never seen anything such thing from her. Victory!!
So what I am trying to tell you, that while there will always something our kiddos can improve upon (they are human afterall), natural maturity that is fostered by your training will go a long way in the parent-teacher conference department. Lonna is down to her major offense of being chatty/social...but both the teacher and I are pleased she respectfullly redirects when asked.
@ObtainingMercy - Thank you for such a detailed and positive response. You have no idea how much it meant to me.
It was good to see you this morning! I'll be praying for you in this area, being a parent takes so much of God's grace and wisdom.....just keep going to Him with your issues and I promise you He will give you the answers you need....He certainly doesn't want you burdened like this. Love you lots, Shan
No, you're not expecting too much as far as your standard for behaivor. But it does take lots of time and training for our strong-willed young ones to get there! And others don't always know the progress that has already been made. Right now I'm in a situation where I'm dealing with a little of that and I feel very sensitive about it, too. But I don't think lowering the standard is the right thing to do. We need to keep encouraging and training them toward the goal and try not to let others' comments bother us TOO much!
Easier said than done, I know. I feel for you. I really do! You know that . . .
Keep up the great work! You're doing a wonderful job with your girls.
I don't think you are expecting too much of her. I DO think you are too hard on your self though. You should not blame her behavior on your self at all. Daniel is my strong willed child and I have to pray about my reactions to him daily. They just seem to take it all of us don't they? I have heard of that book mentioned above about Dr Dobson and the strong willed child. You should check it out. My prayers are with you mommy. Remember you are doing a great job. I still think of you and that looong list of stuff you did that day. Hugs!
I've said it before, and I'll say it again: Every time I hear you talk about your firstborn, I hear myself talk about MINE at the same age!
I had the same frustrations, the same fears, the same struggles, the same doubts ... On top of the other great words of encouragement above, I would just like to offer you HOPE. Everyone is right - YOU ARE RIGHT! Don't doubt what you have always known the Lord would have you train into your daughter. I had to underline the Scriptural truths in my Bible in red and annotate the references in the margins, so I could turn to them quickly in my own times of doubt. Then, I prayed God's promises, knowing He will be faithful to fulfill His Word as I trusted Him in simple faith concerning my child's soul.
As I pray over my children's character, when they seem to go so long with little change, I am reminded of Christ's words to His disciples: "This kind goeth not forth but by prayer and fasting." Then, I pray yet more. Also, in the parable of the woman who desired of the judge, she got what she wanted because of her much asking.
Praying for you!
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