June 16, 2008

• Decisions

  I don't think Josh had the best of Father's Days.
  

   It was all right, I think.  I made him breakfast and lasagna, his favorite, for "Sunday dinner."  (Am I the only one who still does that???)  I gave him a book and the girls made him cards. 
  

  But Ainsley, she was a challenge yesterday.

  
  Yes, this one. 

  She looks so sweet and innocent, doesn't she?  But let me assure you, she is more than a handful.  I think I have cried and prayed more over this child than I have over anything in my nearly 30 years of life.

  Many of you know of our ongoing struggles with her behavior issues.  She is not the easiest child.  But she is also so full of joy with life.  She's the most outgoing person I have ever met, I think.  She makes a friend everywhere she goes.  And despite everything, she is a lot of fun. 

  But with all the behavior issues we deal with, I have found that I am missing the joy of being her mom.  I am not enjoying her as I should.  A few months ago, my husband came home after a particularly bad day and I sobbed, telling him that I didn't think I even liked her anymore.  (I'm tearing up just thinking about the fact that I thought that, but anyone who has dealt with a truly difficult child can relate, I think.)

  At that time, we started thinking, praying and talking about putting her in school next year.  Ainsley is only four.  She does not require formal schooling just yet.  We had been, in one of our attempts to help with her behavior, doing some pre-school work at home, but we have found that homeschooling was not going to work for us.  At least not right now.  It was, at this point, absolutely destroying our parent/child relationship. 

  After much research and several visits to a local church school, s he will be attending K-4 next year.  She feels so comfortable there.  She visited the classroom for over an hour one day without me, and had not one problem.  The teachers said it was like she had been there all year.  

  So, Ainsley will be going to school in the fall.  It will only be three days a week, half days.  I couldn't stomach putting her in for all five days.  She is so excited she can hardly contain herself.  She's been begging for months to go to school.  This child literally thrives on being around other children... and her sister doesn't count.

  The school uses A Beka curriculum mostly, which I think is great for those young grades.  They do use some Bob Jones stuff as well, which, of course, I'm very comfortable with. 

  I am looking forward to spending some alone time with Lorelei.  Ainsley requires so much constant attention that Lorelei often gets lost in the shuffle.  She plays so well alone and can occupy herself easily that she gets ignored some and I want so much to spend more quality time with her.

  I've been thinking about blogging this for quite some time.  Ainsley's been signed up for school for more than a month.  Some of this was very hard to write.  I only ended up writing it because I was feeling so guilty for awhile because I was struggling so much with her and felt like I was a horrible mother.  I felt like I was failing and passing her off to someone else because I didn't want to deal with it anymore.

  That is the furthest thing from the truth.  Her spiritual direction will still mostly come from us.  She will still learn most of her life lessons in our home.  But her formal education, at least at this point, will not come from me.

  I just wanted some other mothers out there who may be struggling with the same things and feel guilt over their seemingly lack of ability to homeschool to know they are not alone and there is no right or wrong way to teach your children.  You must find what God wants for you and your family.

   
  
  
  

  • 10:51 pm
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